Loved ones' series: what other dysfunctions are being swept under the gambling-addiction rug? a post about codependency

The trap of codependency  

Mona was becoming increasingly tired of her husband. No matter how much she was doing, he no longer seemed particularly interested in noticing her or her efforts. Having spent the last many years caring for their children, she was now finding herself acting as a ‘live-in maid’ for her husband from the moment he returned from work.  ‘How dare he…’ she grunted to herself as she angrily prepared his dinner for the umpteenth time that month.  ‘He doesn’t deserve me’ She retreated to their office for a little nap. As she sat down, she couldn’t help but glance over some bank statements that her husband had left out. She froze as she saw several casino transactions from the last month.  He was gambling again. Mona found herself getting goosebumps and felt the old familiar feelings of horror, shock and disbelief. How could he have done this after all that they have already gone through in the past with his gambling!!?? As the shock settled, she experienced of smug comfort coming from the fact that he had now been caught out. She also felt a little relief thinking about the fact that there was a reason why he was being so self-centred and dismissive towards her. From that moment, their petty little day-to-day issues suddenly seemed so pointless.  When real tribulation such as gambling is at play, she’d better buckle up. She almost felt energised by the fact that this provided her with something ‘real and tangible’ to bite her teeth into.

And so Mona returned to one of her longstanding habits which involves making her husband’s gambling one of her ‘projects’.   She instantly felt more purposeful to him and more at ease with the hope that there would be a solution that would make it all okay again. If only he would stop gambling that is… and now she was on a missionto find him some help!

****Disclaimer****

**This post will irritate many readers. As I am sure you can imagine, that is not why I am choosing to write it. As difficult as it might be to recognize that gambling is not the only dysfunction in the family- the purpose of the post is to give you (as a partner of someone addicted) an opportunity to stop and become aware of the full dynamic, also including any dysfunctional behaviours of your own. This can be an opportunity to take control of your own destiny. It will not apply to everybody who cares for a person with addiction. For some people, it will be behaviours that have arisen in response to the addiction. Whichever category you fall into, someone else’s gambling addiction (or other addiction) is never your fault. But living with them will require you to get aware of anything you do that could further aggravate your own suffering*****

Codependency

I have personally always struggled to fully make sense of the word ‘codependency’. Maybe because I am not a native English speaker, but to me, it sounds like the meaning of the word is that you are addicted alongside your loved one who has an established addiction. I suppose in some ways this is the truth, but it is not quite as straightforward as that.  To add to the complexity, you will find just about as many definitions as people writing about the topic.

Although I don’t normally use external links to define concepts, I will do so on this occasion as I think that Wikipedia has a very useful definition and explanation of this phenomenon (at least the way I have understood it):  

 Definition:

In psychology co-dependency is a theory that attempts to explain imbalanced relationships where one person enables another person's self-destructive behaviour such as addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility or under-achievement. Definitions of codependency vary but typically include high self-sacrifice, a focus on others' needs, suppression of one's own emotions, and attempts to control or fix other people's problems.

People who self-identify as codependent exhibit low self-esteem but it is unclear whether this is a cause or an effect of characteristics associated with co-dependency. Co-dependency is not limited to married, partnered, or romantic relationships, as co-workers, friends, and family members can be codependent as well.

(source: wikipedia)

When helping turns to enabling; the gradual migration of responsibility

Most people do not set out to enable a loved one who struggles with an addiction. Doing so would not be in anybody’s interest. What makes the dynamic of ‘enabling’ prone to go unnoticed, is that the situation usually develops over a long time. This provides plenty of time for you as a family member to get desensitized to situations that would normally have caused you a reaction. As the addicted person may get increasingly stuck in their addiction (which usually involves them suffering from increasing denial and less motivation to change) you as a partner might have already tried every trick in the book trying to get them to change. Or at least you might have tried to get them to see what they are doing to you and the rest of the family. As long as they remain in denial of their problem, you are likely to start picking up more and more of the ‘work’ involved with their addiction and any potential recovery.  This ‘work’ can include things like financial management, implementations of barriers, covering for them, protecting the kids, micromanaging their habits, questioning them, scrutinizing bank accounts and just generally feeling a bit obsessed with the issues involving their addiction.  Your own life starts slipping away as the focus gradually shifts over to them. 

It is a bit like having a child again- only this time it lacks the joy, love or rewards that come with it…. 

 Subconscious motives for helping

As you gradually become the ‘parent’ of your partner, and they gradually become your child, it is quite understandable that you too start seeking your rewards through all the wrong sources. Perhaps the only moment when you feel (temporarily) in control nowadays is when you confront them with evidence of their latest gambling venture. Or, you might feel like you get a renewed sense of hope (albeit false) each time they commit to stop and you sit down and draw up new goals together.  This can feel incredibly energising. Particularly if the new standard existence has become one of emotional flatlining while awaiting their motivation to change.

This sounds terrible, but you want to compassionately accept that if you are preoccupied enough with someone else’s issues; it is only natural that your own ‘highs’ of life start falling off the calendar. Instead, you start riding alongside your addicted partner on the emotional rollercoaster that has become your life together.  As much as you did not choose this for yourself, their issues will blur the bigger picture and potentially make the drama involved the provider of short-term emotional payoff even for you.  

The dynamic described here is not exclusively true for individuals who care for someone with an addiction. I frequently see this sort of situation evolve after marital affairs where one partner turns into Sherlock Holmes and essentially works full-time as a detective, trying to get the short-term relief provided by the reassurance of hopefully finding no proof of crime.  Despite that, the hunger for nailing the criminal does not go away so therefore the hunt continues….. This might be okay for Sherlock but most partners can think of a better life than one where they are preoccupied with the gathering of clues and data on someone else’s addiction! At the very least, it will become tedious. More likely than not, you will also suffer burnout and mental exhaustion after a while!

Carrying someone else’s crap?

Whilst we want to be helpful in relationships, you must avoid a situation where you are alone dragging the weight of their gambling recovery while they are continuing to do nothing about it at all….

 Are you helping them or secretly trying to help yourself?

I am assuming many of you who read this are in a position where you love an addicted gambler and want to help them. Additionally, this article will probably resonate more with those of you who are overdoing it for someone who is NOT doing much to help themselves. If they were, things would feel very different. Despite that, there are often hidden motives for helping. Some of which are a bit difficult to admit to. The good news is, that you don’t have to admit it to anybody- so long as you can identify and admit to yourself where it is holding you back from finding peace in your relationship with your addicted partner.

Hooked on helping?

Digging deeper might feel a bit ‘cringy’ and shameful, but is important to take full ownership of anything negative that you might be bringing to an already complex dynamic. Two people living together while each one is in a state of denial will most certainly not be helpful to anybody.

Here are some relatively common reasons why people help that have very little to do with the receiver of the help:

• It feels nice to help. While give& take can feel legitimately empowering when the receiver of such help appreciates it or benefits from it, you will likely find yourself at a loss when helping someone who has no interest in changing. They might neither appreciate nor wish to reciprocate any of your efforts. Helping in these circumstances often is more about recreating hope that they will change ‘if only’ they quit…

• You want to avoid having to let go, but as long as you work this hard on them and their recovery, you won’t notice that you are avoiding the obvious… Letting go of the hope that someone you love is refusing to change is a really difficult thing! You might therefore find yourself running around in circles trying to bend their eyes open so that they can see themselves. What you may not realise is that your actions end up working as a perfect avoidance from your own challenging reality and do the hard thing. It is easier to live in the hope that someone will change than it is to accept that they don’t seem to be ready and let go.

• You have issues of your own that can neatly take a backseat as long as you stay focused on this ‘beast’ that the addiction has come to represent. Helping can provide a powerful sense of avoidance and one that ‘on paper’ looks pretty virtuous and socially acceptable too. I find that this form of motivation runs particularly deep and can be extremely hard for people to want to acknowledge in themselves.

• You help them because there is some hope that they will eventually feel indebted to you and wish to return the favour. This is yet another motivation that can be difficult to admit to. Failing to do so can however mean that you run yourself down in the vain hope that they will start feeling like they owe you. Sadly, I have seen this scenario enough times to guarantee that the desired outcome will never materialise. The prolonged effect of having one person ‘helping’ and another one feeling like a baby or a victim brings death to respect, balance and admiration in any relationship.

• You have issues around control and need to feel like you have a degree of ‘power’ in the relationship. Therefore, when you lose all control due to his/her gambling- it feels natural to clutch on to a variety of ways that you can micromanage or ‘help’ in their recovery.

• You get off on being a ‘fixer-upper’ and need to be needed This is a common one and, in my view, often reflective of a true helping spirit that is being mismanaged and wasted. If you identify as someone who loves to help and who likes to assist others in doing good for themselves, this is not a bad thing. BUT (and this is a big but) you would then want to ensure that the person you are trying to help is keen to have your help and that your well-intended guidance, love and support are not being wasted on a situation which is already a dead-end. If you believe this represents you, it could be important to find healthy and mutually beneficial situations where you can help people who are keen to be helped.

Consequences of codependent helping

You will stop seeing the forest for the trees:

• You might be so invested in the idea that their addiction is the barrier to your happiness that you fail to recognise your own portion of responsibility for the mess that has been created.  Please note that I am not saying that their gambling is in any way your fault. I am also not saying that it is not legitimately stressful and heartbreaking to be on the receiving end of an addicted partner’s antics. It is stressful. Still, it is important to monitor your own behaviour and check how it impacts the person who is addicted. Watch out for any emotional avoidance and/or self-worth issues or power imbalances that you had going on before their addiction got a foothold.  These could be subtle but could also be troublesome in their own right and could even ‘flourish’ if indeed they did start their recovery as you would then have to face yourself again.

  In situations where the relationship was outright terrible even before any addiction came into the picture, I have often noticed that the addiction has become a ‘welcomed guest’ onto whom everything else that has felt disappointing and difficult to accept can now be blamed!

You will suffer from chronic anxiety, feelings of being out of control and getting preoccupied with things that do not make you feel pleased with yourself. although they are in part to blame, so are you -so long as they have not suggested any intent to change.

Some examples of these behaviours are:

- ‘Detective work’- looking for hints and evidence of an active addiction

- Questioning sessions – where the hope is that the addicted person will do a ‘trip-up’ or confess to a truth that you actually don’t know if you can cope with.

-Obsessively micro-managing and controlling them. Most likely regarding spending patterns, schedule, whereabouts etc.

-Engaging in active self-neglect under the umbrella excuse of ‘how can I deal with X when they are still gambling….surely I have my hands full right now..’.

The above might sound offensive and unjust. As you can imagine, I am not highlighting these issues so that you can feel downbeat about your efforts. It is done only so that you discontinue allowing an unhelpful shift in focus with issues where you should have been the primary action-taker.

You will lose your sense of self! if you are helping them to (subconsciously) deflect from yourself and/or issues you have that pre-date their addiction - you will feel progressively more out of control and less like the person you are.

This one is perhaps the saddest one of them all.  When co-dependency is in its full swing, you will begin to ‘lose yourself’ in a way that can be extremely damaging to your mental health.  You might start feeling down, tearful, depressed, and hopeless. You might even start feeling vague about your belief system and values. It has been so long since you checked in with your own needs that you no longer recall what makes you happy vs sad let alone what values you hold regarding your relationships. In so many ways, your reactions and feelings start mimicking those of an addicted person. The difference is that your ‘addiction’ has become that of controlling their behaviours and completely neglecting your own.

Here are some focus points if you feel that you have become (or have always been) codependent:

#Start with separating their vs your responsibilities. Sit down and write it down in a notebook so that you don’t forget it.  This will help you clarify where you might be going overboard by assuming responsibility for situations that are not yours to care for (while dodging accountability for your personal problems).

Do double-check whether they also wish to change, or if you are purely living on the hope that YOU can make this happen or that ‘with your loving support they will eventually want to change’. I believe most people will know the difference if they connect to what they know in their hearts.  If you find it difficult, look out for consistency between their words and actions.  Ensure that their efforts towards getting into recovery are largely unaided by you. The less ‘organic’ their motivation to recover is, the more emotionally depleting a process will this be for you. They are highly unlikely to have a good outcome if the bulk of the motivation to be clean is coming from you!

# Protect yourself and your family from damage – emotional and financial. this is your bottom line and often the one thing you do have control over. focus your attention on this step to provide yourself with stability that can transcend any ups and downs in motivation.

In brief, this might mean separating bank accounts, protecting any savings, ensuring that your lifestyle, relationships, hobbies etc do not suffer too much from their changes etc.   For a more in-depth account of things you can do- please read my previous article here & here

# Acceptance of reality is a primary criteria for overcoming co-dependency!

Without being prepared to see reality as it is (let alone live in it), you will face a situation where BOTH you and your partner are buying into delusion. both hoping for ‘what could be’. he/she by thinking of what might happen if they have the big win, and you by investing in a fantasy of who they could become ‘if only they could quit’. With neither one of you seeing quite clearly what a crazy dance this has become, you will both be losing energy and find the other person difficult and annoying!

# Boundaries! Set them, write them down, communicate them and LIVE THEM. 

(see previous articles I have written referenced above in the text)

#Detachment!

Detaching from their gambling addiction is one of the hardest, but most important, things to do. Failing to do so will result in a cluttered mind that is consumed with their issues. This can affect all other aspects of your life. Decision-making, action-taking, problem-solving and practically all other skills required for your own life and sanity will suffer at the hands of an exhausted attentional bandwidth. You will need to reiterate to yourself (possibly multiple times per day) that you are worthy of peace of mind and that you cannot alone carry the weight of their issues.

If they are prepared to carry it and need help- then that is different.  If you are someone who habitually struggles to acknowledge your own needs, preferences and values, then this will be an optimal time for you to start tackling this issue. Pour your energy into areas of life where YOU have a level of control and where the outcome at least partially will reflect your level of input. While your gambling-affected partner is persisting with an activity that has shown itself to generate zero return on ‘investment’ financially as well as emotionally, you could end up doing the exact same thing (minus the money). Detachment does not mean that you stop caring, stop helping or stop speaking and asserting yourself. Quite the opposite. It means that you start focusing on controllable variables while minimizing your emotional investment into areas of your relational life that are evidently not going to lead to anything fruitful. It is a small surrender and one that always bears fruit one way or another.

Wishing you all the strength you need to take these steps! X