I gambled away my home and my family. How can I ever come back from this? A story of hope and a reminder that there may not be a way ‘back’- but there are ways forward…

Disclaimer: This post will discuss suicide. If you are feeling very distressed or at risk please ensure that you get yourself into safety and get help ASAP. It is critically important to break your isolation and lighten your internal pressure and load. Please see the list of UK-based resources I published in a previous post here

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

According to the National Association for Addiction Professionals, Gambling addiction has the highest suicide rate among all addictions. ‘How is this possible?’ you might wonder when drugs and alcohol cause people to be ‘off their heads’, lose control over their behaviours entirely and be directly under the influence of a substance that, by its composition, causes disinhibition. It can be difficult to see how gambling, without the ingestion of a substance, can make people feel just as worthless, crazy and desperate. So hopeless indeed, that suicide may temporarily seem like a ‘tempting’ outcome. After all, it may delude you to think that it is the end of suffering.

Suicide is a permanent ‘solution’ to a temporary problem

(Phil donoghue)

Deep inside, you probably know that your gambling was never intended to harm those that you love and that they are not to blame for your current situation. Don’t let the same part of your mind that kept suggesting that you gamble, fool you into thinking that ending your life would be a wise choice. I have met hundreds of family members who are struggling alongside an addicted gambler. They have been feeling desperate, angry, hopeless and full of resentment. Yet, not a single one of them has ever expressed a wish for the gambler to die or come to harm!

Yes, you may not have covered yourself in glory as of late but do remember: Feeling bad about the gambling is a sign that you care and have a moral compass and that your values are not aligned with the behaviour of gambling. You might have acted as though you were ‘possessed’ by your addiction - yet this does not mean that you have changed at your core. As with any state of mind, you will soon feel differently from how you are feeling right now. This will happen once you stop gambling and start putting your energy into your recovery.

Why gambling hurts so bad?

In 2004 I was in my early days of learning about gambling addiction. I was living in Las Vegas at the time and was given the opportunity to sit in during a group treatment program run by a pioneer of gambling addiction treatment called Dr Rob Hunter. A very kind, dedicated and caring professional who in turn had trained under Robert Custer- The first person to officially start regarding gambling as an addiction. Prior to this point, it had been seen as a set of deviant behaviours. 

Sadly, I learned Dr Hunter passed away in 2018 which is a very sad loss to the gambling recovery community. His legacy lives on and if any of you readers are based in Nevada, here is the program that is still running today: Problem Gambling Center | Gambling Addiction Help (gamblingproblems.org )

One night when I was attending, a man who had been addicted to both heroin for a period of time and more latterly also to gambling said:

‘Gambling addiction has been worse for me than heroin addiction. The gambling sucked my soul out…’

His statement stayed with me. Now many years later, I have personally treated many heroin addicts and clearly, this is a very severe and devastating addiction as well. In no way is this statement implying otherwise. It is one of the worst drugs to be addicted to. However, I find that it explains well how addicted and soul-destroyed gamblers end up feeling despite the absence of any chemical getting ingested.

The downside of being addicted but not being ‘off your head’ is that you might feel like you are going insane.

While the fact that you are ‘sober’ might sound better, I find that this also means that you are going through all your emotional ‘swings’ soberly:

You might promise yourself to stop in the morning, only to be placing bets by lunchtime. You might make big promises to your family, yet later that day end up putting your last pennies on a bet. In general terms- you would definitely think you are losing it. but no- You are not crazy, dumb, evil or cold-hearted either. You are however deeply addicted to a behaviour that is soul-crushingly damaging to you and to those around you….

Gambling is likely to be the root of all evil in your life. Therefore, with every drop of power that you can muster up – you need to make sure that you put mind over matter to ensure that you cannot operate on impulse. If you think of the power of your ‘gambling-devil’, you can recognize how powerful the countermeasures need to be. No doors should be left ajar- this is not a situation where you want to entertain any ideas of a more healthy return to gambling later in your life or a possibility of a future win that in your mind could turn back the clocks and undo the damage that was done.

Gambling for you should instead be treated as the deadly allergy it has become for you. Not everyone is ‘allergic’- meaning not everyone has the same response to repeated gambling. This is however not relevant. You only need your own track record to recall that gambling is not good for you. Not now, not tomorrow and never again.  This is not a death sentence- it is the beginning of something that one day will be something you feel deeply grateful and proud of yourself for.

Curtis’s story: how gambling robbed him of everything he loved

I have shared before with you readers that I used to run homeless programs for addicted gamblers in London for many years.  They took place in shelters and the group targeted those who had either gambled their way into homelessness or had during their homelessness become addicted to gambling. Often as an attempt to claw their way out of an impossible financial situation to begin with- but over time had also conditioned themselves to lean on the hope, the buzz and the temporary dissocation and escape that gambling was able to provide them with.  When life felt too painful, ‘having’ something like gambling in their life felt weirdly comforting. It was only when the writing was on the wall that most of them had come to realise that they had been conned. Gambling would perpetually prolong their situation of pain, rough sleeping and broken relationships. 

‘Curtis’ had been attending my groups off and on for years. I had really come to like him. A smart man with a lot to offer. Optimistic, cheerful and with the darkest sense of humour that made the group burst out with laughter in the midst of a serious moment.  His story was however no laughing matter.

In his 30s, Curtis had been living in the US despite being European by birth. His life had been ‘on track’. He had a wife, a great job and a small house that they were renting. Neither he nor his wife were US citizens however his wife was in the midst of a green card application which would ultimately assist them both. When his daughter was born, he felt like the happiest man alive. Financially, things were fairly tricky for them. With Curtis being unable to take a job legally because of their visa situation, he could not provide in the way he had always felt was important for him to do. He could not even get health insurance for his family. He felt ashamed of himself and a bit ‘useless’ even if, clearly, the situation was legitimately tricky and not entirely within his control since his wife was keen to remain in the US. It was then that he ‘discovered’ gambling.  He would start placing a few bets every week hoping that something would ‘come through’ and that he and his family would be able to have a better life until his visa materialised.

A few years later he found himself stuck in a desperate position due to his gambling having got completely out of hand. The family were struggling to pay the rent and he had been having anger outbursts at home in front of his daughter. He had even resorted to theft on a few occasions. Eventually, his wife had enough of him and left him. Curtis ‘lost it’ and acted in a threatening manner towards her. This was the kiss of death for his hopes of getting a visa. His wife called the police, and he had no choice but to return to the UK. Without his beloved daughter and wife.  Needless to say, what followed was crushing years of sadness, heartbreak, and self-hatred. He had nothing left that he cared for, and at one point there were drugs, alcohol and gambling all feeding one another. But gambling was always his primary addiction and the one he found the hardest to give up. He could not stop thinking that, somehow, he would win back what he had lost and be able to prove himself to his wife and daughter as someone responsible with a good home where he could welcome his daughter for visits. Aside from being extremely addicted, Curtis had also wrongfully equated the idea of being a better man with being a man with money.

One day, Curtis missed his daughter so much that he thought his heart was going to blow open. She had recently turned 15 and the two of them were only in contact via email and phone sporadically. She showed some interest in getting to know him but, understandably, he was frightened that if he let her in, he would feel even more vulnerable.  How could he ensure he was not going to let her down again? And how could he risk her getting to know this broken, criminal, ‘disgusting’ (his words) human being that he had been throughout her entire life?

He was at a cross-road as he reasoned:

‘my daughter does not know the real me. She has only seen my lies, my false promises and has no faith in me at all. I could just lie down right now and die. But then what will she think? I want her to see the man I really am. The love I always held for her and that I can change. I need to show her that. But first I have to show myself that I can do better for myself… and that I am a person worthy of being in her life….’

With this promise to himself he decided to put in the work. He took petty jobs. He started to train his body in the parks by doing push-ups and basketball. He stopped gambling. Whenever money entered his account- he decided to send it to his child’s Mother via wire transfer. He had a determination that I have rarely witnessed. With time, he started getting more comfortable in his recovery and he finally got housed. Frightened as he was of this responsibility, it also meant that he could now have visitors.  

One day, he came in with bright eyes and a glow across his face. With tears streaming down his face he told the group that his ex-wife and daughter were going to come to London to visit. His daughter wanted to see him. Over the last few years of watching him stick to his words on almost every occasion, she felt like she wanted to get to know him.  Not one eye was dry in the group that day including my own.     This was the start of rebuilding the most important relationship in his life and he had been given a second chance. He was determined not to blow it but had also shared with her that his recovery would be ongoing and that they would build back slowly. He knew he could not give any promises. The best that he could do was to choose recovery every single day and he felt full of joy about the fact that, for now anyway, she thought this was enough.

I am not sure how Curtis’s life has unfolded since then. I was given permission to share his story and have ensured to change details sufficiently to avoid identification. I hope he continues to do well. His story remains in my heart as an inspiration that change is always possible.

Let this be your fork-in-the-road moment

You might feel as though your choices right now are all pretty depressing. The pain is already hard to tolerate and you are going to be challenged continuously. It is hard to accept this fact, but you cannot afford to continue on the road of delusion. The easy and automatic thing to do would be to continue to gamble and create more destruction in your life. Or you can do the hard thing and choose to stop. This will require taking a leap of faith since it is new territory for you. The only person who can make this choice is you!

You have taken a lot of risks while gambling. It is now time to take a risk by believing that you can make improvements in your life! I appreciate your track record holds data to the contrary, but despite that, you would want to recognise that taking a chance at a good outcome is very important.

At this point, you simply do not know how much better you would feel about things if you stopped gambling and started addressing your problems constructively. It is not going to be easy, but I dare to promise you that if you keep going – you will never look back with regret.

Get out of your head- and start taking action rather than allowing dwelling and self-loathing to run the show, please attend to the following:

1. Stop gambling

No ifs, no buts- just do what it takes to make it stop. This requires you to take a logical approach to your current situation and to take action on creating barriers between you and your money/gambling opportunities. Don’t put your energy at this point towards asking yourself all the ‘why…how….if only’ questions. Just keep it simple. You have all the data to support that gambling has wrecked your life and has not once helped you. Trust me when I say it will never help you with anything at any point now or in the future.

Gambling needs to be ‘caged in’ and kept out of reach. That way you are no longer in danger to yourself. Any attempts that your mind makes to speak you into any other half-hearted ‘deal’ whereby you let yourself gamble here and there, via friends, or with a ‘strategy’ is an emotionally fuelled thought pattern that sadly will lead you right back to being stuck in your addictive mode.  Something needs to change and the first thing is the uprooting of gambling from your existence!!!

2. Make a rule of thumb to align your words with your actions.

This means – if you speak, you follow through.   If you think you cannot follow through - stop talking.  I don’t mean this in a rude way- I share all the same attributes with you guys. I too am a delusional optimist (but not a gambler) and I find it tempting to believe that talking is going to equate to doing way before I take action in certain areas of life. But I have had to learn that it is better to DO first and then as you start trusting yourself you can talk about what you are doing. For a gambler, the empty words and promises can equate to another let-down of family, another broken promise and a display of behaviour patterns that will make you cringe internally when you think about yourself. I put myself in here because I want you to know that the tendency to be full of hope when we speak resonates with many people- gambling or not.  We get excited about something. We feel like we are halfway there and we want the world to move at our pace. You can get away with it in certain contexts perhaps, but not when it comes to addictions.  There is too much damage done already. Too many broken promises and too much water under the emotional bridge.  You need to keep it as straight and clean as humanly possible.  In summary – start doing the work within. You can connect with support, and reach out to people who believe in you (peers in recovery, Gamblers Anonymous, your therapist etc.) and who understand your struggle. But try to avoid delivering big talks about what changes others can expect from you going forward before you have started to take any at all!

3. Let your actions do the talking!

Let your actions speak for themselves. Like Curtis in the example above, who let go of the outcome but kept hoping and believing that if he showed up for himself in his recovery – he would eventually be in a better place.  One day his daughter noticed.  Life comes with no guarantees and, unfortunately, there is no way I can promise you that your work will come with a guaranteed family reunion. However, it will come with a guarantee of being able to look yourself in the mirror again knowing that you bounced back from tragedy. You tried your best and that will be your legacy regardless of who validates that for you. Our truth counts higher than anything any other human being can ever tell us!!! It will slowly but surely reinstate your sense of self-worth.

4. Keep the faith

Faith has a strong place in recovery and your faith does not necessarily have to involve believing in a God. If you do, it might come more naturally for you- but even if you don’t you can start to align yourself and your thoughts with the elements of faith anyway.

When we have faith we believe that something bigger than ourselves will give us wind in our sails when we show up and do our best.  ‘God helps those that help themselves’ is a proverb I have always liked (although it needs to be said that sometimes really bad things happen even to those who do help themselves). Faith is not helpful if it is used as a blinding belief that we will be rescued from bad while we do nothing to help ourselves. It tends to be magical when we recognise that we are all connected and never alone and therefore, if we start believing that we can make a change and start cultivating the actions to support it- we can get there!! Irrepective of HOW the outcome looks (ie what context our rewards show up in) we will feel backed up and safe.

The reverse condition is to keep believing you have failed and must never hope for anything good again.  We do in many ways contribute to our own experience through the power of thoughts, feelings and the energy we create when we go about our days. Without suggesting that you paper over your cracks, put a pretty smile on your lips in the face of pain- there is a lot to be said for believing in yourself and having your own back in the face of adversity. Even when the feeling itself is lagging and your history has been one of letting yourself down.  Take a helicopter view of your situation and recognize that the people you let down over the years of being stuck in addiction will not rejoice at the news that you gave up on yourself entirely. The only way you can inspire going forwards is to try something new and meaningful. Create a narrative in your mind that supports your positive journey ahead and hang tight to it. 

 Rome was not built in a day. It will take time- but brick by brick you will rebuild your life

By the time your losses are running high, it is easy enough to think that you are risking less. Your losses are enormous and your thinking goes ‘Well, let’s at least give myself a chance to win it all back. If I lose I already have so many losses that it won’t make a difference’  In this way, I have seen many gamblers almost manage to fool themselves that what they are doing is in some ways executing a plan rooted in sheer logic.

Let’s immediately address this way of thinking. Here is what you are doing in reality:

By continuing to bet, you are not only ignoring your historical outcomes (which will be losses even if wins happened here and there). You are giving yourself a guarantee of losing while betting on a fantasy of winning. This is not only a huge risk. It is a guarantee for a destructive outcome.  Risks don’t run higher than that and yet this is of course one of the powerful hooks of this particular addiction. The warped thinking is part and parcel of your condition at this point. You have to be very careful when you reason

You can do this!

All the best and all of my admiration for the strength and courage that so many gamblers have shown over the years of doing this job. I believe in you.