Happy New Year of 2020: 5 indisputable reasons to quit gambling - and 4 arguments for convincing yourself to start your journey to freedom right now!
Fred was an older man – nearly 75 in fact- and he had gambled for most of his adult life. He turned up to my group for homeless gamblers, mostly on his own initiative, thinking that he might want to give up gambling since it was ruining his life. After a couple of sessions he started becoming increasingly hesitant as to whether it would be ‘worth the effort’ to quit and he was definitely not sure it would be safe. After all, he had been putting money on the same numbers year after year- and ‘what if he stopped and suddenly his line came in’ as a cruel twist of fate. Or if one of those slot machines that he kept feeding as soon as he had a few pennies to spare would finally decide to pay out and he would have wasted a chance to get rich and also been ‘feeding them up’ for other people. That would be devastating. Continuing to gamble though, I tried to reason with him, would almost guarantee him more of the same life that he had already led the last couple of decades. As I was listening to Fred’s reasoning I couldn’t help but feel a level of understanding and sympathy, as illogical as it all was. When you have so little, even the remote chance of winning big is so tantalizing and the prospect so amazing, that in comparison to how the relatively mild pain involved with losing these small amounts little by little was still a much more powerful feeling and one worth clinging to. What was not being attended to though was of course the bigger picture. The overall habit of continuous losses, mess and life-stagnation that the gambling had actually caused (and continued to be maintaining). Fred was not all that motivated to stop after all; he knew that the road to recovery was a long, bumpy and painful one that would require tremendous effort and willpower, and in the choice between that and continuing with the same habits he had been in for decades he still chose the latter. I never saw him again and I trust that he is still out there feeding the machines and living with the damage of his gambling habit.
Although you might be finding yourself in a home, or still with some money and dignity left, the moral of the story is… the continuation of gambling from the point where you have lost control is a 100% futile venture. Committing to recovery however, can be so incredibly daunting and hard that the motivation falls short before you even start your journey. It may feel like you are just lining yourself up for yet another failure- the thought of which is so painful that you almost need to keep going with the gambling to numb it out. I have seen plenty of individuals in this position and I empathize massively with the difficulties you are facing at this point. Neither way feels easy right now. Both roads are filled with obstacles, but in the end there is only one way to improvement and that is to quit.
I wanted to write something to help you feel motivated and encouraged to quit, yet also compelled to look at the reality of your gambling habit and try to accept it for what it has become for you (if you have lost control) – pure and undiluted destruction!
Let’s start with covering some of the ways in how gambling destroys your life just to give you a bit of a refresher before we launch into the reasons why you can start your recovery right away today
Why is gambling addiction so destructive for you?
# because you have no control;
Whether you win or lose - you will always lose because you cannot stop regardless. If you don’t believe me please revisit the many memories you may have of winning – and ask yourself – where is that money now? Even if you might have temporarily felt that you paid someone back, bought a pair of fancy trainers or paid for a fun night out; do think again- if the overall situation for you financially has not improved since that win then it probably was only a short term joy.
# it is taking you further and further away from your values.
Unlike what might sometimes come across in media, addicted gamblers tend not to be lying, sneaking, cold and heartless people who steal from those they love without feeling a thing. In fact, I would argue I often experience the complete opposite. A large portion of gamblers are extremely emotional (albeit frequently out of touch with those emotions) and find it very hard to do what they would want to do in their heart of hearts – which tends to be the right thing. I would even go so far as to argue, that many gamblers are so emotional that they feel more regretful and shameful about what they do; but rather than being able to utilise this information to call it quits on gambling, the addiction, the shame and the self-hatred act as a driving force to keep going in the sheer and desperate hope that ‘the big win’ will be the end of the addiction itself.
# It is destroying your trust in yourself
If you were once a person who could hold yourself accountable, i.e.. say something and then follow through with it- then this will now be a distant memory. The hallmark of addiction is the loss of control, and the idea of not being able to control ourselves is a frightening one for all of us. Not being able to trust your thoughts, your ideas and your ability to regulate impulses. This makes for a scary ride in life! The more you keep gambling, the less you are going to trust yourself. Additionally, other people will also not trust you.
# It is making it harder to enjoy normal things and normal life
Gambling is a highly stimulating activity that generates a big-time ‘hit’ for the brain with a strong rush of dopamine and adrenaline. This is of course a very addictive experience that also encourages you to want to seek out the behaviour again. On the flip side though, the repeating of such a stimulating activity means the brain gets used to a new sort of ‘template’ for what ‘fun’ should feel like. This is not genuine joy or fun; let’s call it for what it is – it is an addictive HIGH. How do I know that? Because of what I see in my clients. They are not happy or joyful about their behaviour beyond the actual leadup to gambling and sometimes the gamble session itself. Afterwards, it feels like a downer, and it also takes the joy out of regularly stimulating, but important and heartfelt activities such as spending time with loved ones or doing the work you enjoy. In comparison to the false fun of gambling, it all starts to feel so mediocre. This is without even considering the add-on effect of not having any money left to enjoy other stuff.
#it is making you increasingly preoccupied and unable to stay in the present more generally
Gambling affects people with short attention span and concentration difficulties particularly badly- there is plenty of research to back this up. Individuals with ADHD and impulse control conditions are massively over-represented in problem gambling communities and there are some fairly logical reasons for this- we will explore these in a future post that will come out later in January or early Feb. Unfortunately, the act of gambling does little to alleviate the troubles with the attention that are already in place. Gambling reinforces a state of total preoccupation with the gambling itself at the expense of focusing on anything else. It leads to complete absorption. What you will notice, however, is how poorly focused you become all other times. Staying focused on just normal things like talking to someone, reading a book or watching a movie can be felt as real challenges. Staying focused on the present moment of your life, which is truly the only really joyful way to live, becomes increasingly harder.
#It is ‘taking over’ your normal coping skills
As with any other skills that we stop using- we get rusty at them. For addicted gamblers, the act of gambling becomes the coping behaviour for just about anything. For good times, for bad times, for boring times and for times when things were feeling just about right. Emotional coping skills such as problem-solving, processing and acceptance are never really getting used and temporarily fall out of the repertoire of useful behaviours – all while gambling become the number one behaviour at any given moment.
This list is only representing a small portion of all the damage that gambling will do to you. We have not even touched on the impact on relationships, jobs, physical health and more general emotional health. I think you know those already so chose to focus on some of the slightly less obvious ones.
Finally, If you have not discovered it already, gambling is a problem that gets worse with time – not better- and although the hope always is that at some point a win will help you settle the financial damage caused already by the gambling you are better of understanding that this is about as likely as breaking your leg whilst running, and then continue to run on it believing that it will ‘build it back up’ and eventually heal. This as you know is not going to be the case. The more you run on it, the more damaged it gets and the harder is the longer-term recovery going to become. Stop now and you can start the healing process immediately instead.
Many of you reading this will have tried to stop already, but have found that it is a lot easier said than done- and that motivation will often dictate how well your recovery is going. Motivation is an unreliable resource for all of us – meaning; some days we have a lot of it, yet other days we practically have none.
4 arguments to help convince yourself that today is the day that you become gambling free…
1. If the impact of this habit had been physical – would it have made a difference to how you reason in terms of the importance of quitting?
If any habit that you took part in had led you to have say cancer or heart failure- would you think twice about whether it is the right time or an appropriate decision to quit the habit that caused such horrible consequences? Probably not. When it comes to addiction; not only is it more stigmatised publicly, but I feel like even gamblers are stigmatising themselves when telling themselves they ‘should be able to recover without actually taking part in recovery’. The fact that it is an addiction means the behaviour is no longer under proper voluntary control and you will need to apply more drastic measures than for other more ‘chosen’ behaviours. If it was lung cancer, chances are you would quit cigarettes. Your soul is getting poisoned by gambling and that counts too.
2. ‘If not now…then when?’
A common approach to recovery is the notion that it can start at some point ‘later’ or ‘when the next win has come in’ or ‘when I hit rock bottom’. I am sure I don’t need to tell you that these sorts of excuses, or let’s call them lies, are just things you tell yourself to give yourself permission to delay having to quit. It is easier to buy into one’s own BS- excuses than it is to actually have to start committing and doing the work required to start recovery. As I said in the sub-heading – do ask yourself exactly WHEN the better time to quit would occur? It is a bit like the decision to have kids or getting married although both are of course extremely exciting ventures, yet the timing can often feel like it is never ‘right’. Most people do eventually just accept that the timing will never be felt as optimal and that both are a matter of taking a risk, and simply taking action while trusting what everybody says; that it is worth the hard work and the fear of taking a bit of a risk. Taking a risk is rarely a problem for addicted gamblers in general – so the risk of just quitting while having faith and trust in the fact that all will be well – is definitely one worth taking!
3. You will never regret quitting gambling
I know it does not feel like that right now, and I appreciate that in nostalgic moments of euphoric recall the brain might try and trick you into believing that those were ‘good ole’ days’ when you were gambling. If you have kept any track records, journals or have loved ones that are aware of your gambling issues; all of them would be happy to testify that your run with gambling was not a happy one. Unfortunately, as long as you are still hooked on it, your judgment will also be somewhat tainted in favour of it in a similar way as a tipsy alcoholic would be unlikely to decide it is a good time to stop drinking. What you need to do is feed yourself a compelling argument that if you stop you WILL 100% feel better. This is not something I am making up; this is based on the experience of all of those problem gamblers that I have met with myself, and also those you will have read about, met in meetings or ever spoken to. You will not hear a single recovering gambling addict claim that their lives were better whilst still stuck in their addiction. Trust this, put mind over matter and accept that we have to disregard our feelings when making this decision in the anticipation that the good feelings will come once we have actually achieved a break from this habit.
4. Just do it - give yourself permission to stop right now..
There is nothing that needs sorting, nothing that you need to wait for and nothing that will improve from waiting any longer. You will not get any richer, your family will not be happier, nothing will in fact improve if you continue and the big win that your mind is fixating on will never ever come in the way that you want it to come. Because even if it came in, you would not have the control to hang on to the money. You have everybody’s around you permission to stop, and you now need to give it to yourself as well. Every moment is a new moment to reinvent yourself and your life. This may sound like the cheesiest of psycho-babble, but if you really break it down you may recognise that it is true. Imagine the feeling of waking up tomorrow and knowing that you are on your first day of recovery. And next week your second week will have started. Do you have any clue as to the joy that you can get to experience in your future as a recovered gambler? Perhaps the one really great thing about being a recovering addict is the need to live life consciously and with care and attention to detail. This makes for a better life than for the masses who still tend to operate largely on auto-pilot. It is just about getting over the doubts in your mind and believing you are worthy of better. Ever had a habit that was bad, but not quite as bad as the gambling? Perhaps nail-biting, thumb-sucking, smoking.. something else? If we are not happy with the output of our habits it is so important to separate ourselves from our habits and recognise that our behaviour, as misaligned from our values as they may be, are still not all that we are. We can change our habits, and the true us can live more freely. We don’t need to trash ourselves, but we may need to trash the habit. This is a very different action than hating ourselves and beating ourselves up about a behaviour just because it feels as if it has ‘become us’.
You are stronger than you think, and better than you know and if you don’t believe in you, chances are that nobody else will fully do it either. Now get behind yourself - you only need to do this piece by piece and day by day.
Let this be the decade when gambling starts fading away from your life and you can look back with pride, dignity and love at yourself and how you acted.
With all my love,
Happy new year and good luck in staying clean!!