long term gambling recovery: how to get through the motivational dips without having a relapse
Most of the time we tend to talk about how to quit gambling.
Certainly, those who are prone to make contact or express their desperation online, are usually those that have recently relapsed and are in crisis. Either for the first time or after a relapse. Naturally it is at this point that people are most overcome by stressful emotions and therefore more keen than ever to reach out. The levels of desperation are particularly high and naturally you have to find it in yourself to yet again put a stop to the madness.
For a minute, I want us to take a step back and see the bigger picture. This will enable us to start learning a little more about WHY this keeps happening and to understand how to prevent yourself from returning to an activity that has contributed to nothing but destruction in your life.
Sometimes it takes a couple of setbacks for people to start understanding why Their relapses happen and to learn how to prevent them. If you have not had this learning yet, let me save you some time and pain and share with you some of the very common reasons why people fall prey to their urges ..
Not enough safeguarding around money
No blocking measures in place
Bombardment of ads, offers etc
Overestimating how much control one has (and therefore failing to protect oneself accordingly)
Poor coping skills
Poor problem solving
Overwhelming emotions; difficult life events
Periods of boredom
Access to MONEY!!!
Lack of money
ANY MIX OF THE ABOVE MENTIONED!
As you can see the list could get quite long and it takes the implementation of many practical barriers and a bit of ‘fiddling around’ with environmental triggers in order to keep properly safe from returning to have a bet.
Those of you who gamble problematically will however know, that once an urge has started to get a strong foothold, it could quickly turn into a situation that can only end in a return to gambling. Despite having S.W.A.T. analysed your entire life for triggers and tried to do your best to manage them you just know it is too late. It is going to happen.
Not saying you could not possibly stop yourself at this point, but it is going to be a lot harder than if we had managed some of the early signs and acted differently. By the time you are dealing with an urge that is strong enough to allow you to override all your normal logic and values: the only thing that tends to save people, is having some solid barriers in place. I have covered that in many previous posts.
Today we are looking at what happens slightly before you reach a point of doing a 180 in terms of thought patterns; and go from being a passionate anti-gambling activist, to someone who ends up becoming an excuse-generator for why gambling is not all that bad after all.
Why we lose our motivation to stay away from gambling despite all the harm it has caused us and our loved ones?
Motivational fluctuations are not exclusive to gambling recovery. You only have to backtrack a few weeks of your life to recognise that some days we will bounce around with a spring in the step to places like work, gym, friends etc but other days, no matter how much you treasure an activity, you just dont feel like doing it. Why? Sometimes because the thing we need to do is no longer exciting for us and other times due to fluctuating feelings, levels of energy and a number of other factors.
Generally speaking, activities that require tremendous effort are more likely to be at risk of non-completion at times when we are not feeling great and motivated. It would be fair to say that gambling recovery falls into that catergory!
Listed below are a few of the often unpredictable swings in motivation that tend to occur during recovery. By becoming aware of them, you have an opportunity to protect yourself by staging your environment in such a way that it protects (rather than enables) you:
#You lose touch with the damage that your gambling has caused (rose tinted glasses come on)
This is a natural part of our selective forgetfulness and actually quite a useful trick of our brain many times. Try and imagine how our lives would feel if we carried the full amount of emotional baggage associated with each trauma with us at all times- actively connecting with the pain of it. Life would be unbearable! Whilst it is a relief to lose touch with the heartache you experienced when you first got dumped, or the unspeakable pain and shame you felt when you had to tell your family you vanquished the savings, it is also pretty counterproductive to lose touch with the feeling—as it will fail to be a long term deterrent for more gambling. This ‘effect’ often kicks in after just a couple of weeks into recovery. That’s why it is very important to work with future dreams and goals that can help you remember WHY you need to stay in recovery, as opposed to fixating only on reasons why you cannot return to gambling. The painful memories of your past destructive ventures with gambling will lose their grip over you soon enough and the results can be devastating.
#You habituate to the new feeling too…
This means you develop tolerance to the great feeling you just had of having stopped. Having initially felt like the Mr Bigshot who was able to call it quits, you may notice that a few weeks in this state feels neither novel nor exciting. This process is similar to how a bet of the same size will result in less excitement over time and prompt you to want to increase the risk to achieve the same ‘high’. Most people can identify with this as it is not specific for gamblers. However, some problem gamblers are often facing another layer to this problem, namely that their brain is already hardwired to be less sensitive to rewards and hence they get bored even more easily. If you are that way inclined please be aware that you will have to provide adequate variety in terms of alternative stimulation.,
#you may still be struggling with withdrawals from the gambling itself which makes you feel depressed, bored and listless
You might also have some very challenging cravings to deal with. This can feel a bit unfair as you are now finally taking those steps to sort your problems out but trust that the longer you are successfully staying away from the gambling; the less urges you will have, and the better you become at managing those that still come around. Remember that there is a major difference between having an urge- and acting on your urge. Having an urge may feel very scary due to your previous history of acting upon it, however on its own an urge will do no other harm than mental temptation. Make sure you have your barriers tightly in place!
# You are bombarded by ads, emails, personalised invites and ‘well meaning’ gifts from the bookmakers all trying to incentivise you to bait right back in
DO NOT FALL FOR THIS!
No bookmaker or gambling facility has EVER had your back during this dishonouring experience, and I can guarantee you they will have no part in your resurrection either!!!
You forget WHY we are in recovery to begin with – our values, dreams, hopes and goal
You forget that we have to keep actively committing to the recovery and not get slack and expect it to happen per automatic
Recovery is a life long ongoing process and not a stage that you will pass
You forget to continue to evolve and develop and instead see the recovery itself as a goal
Challenges of long term recovery
One of the many challenges of long term recovery is that you have to keep staying away from the gambling. Despite having a potentially harder time abstaining in the very beginning when you are still very much in the habit of gambling, the early days might also bring about a feeling of freshness and change. Individuals at this stage are usually presenting as excited, full of motivation and ideas and a sense of pride and accomplishment having just stopped such a damaging behaviour. A bit like in the early days after a break up; people are pleased for every moment they are staying afloat and very fact they do keeps them feeling content, if not accomplished. Longer term when the ‘firefighting’ is done, you start having feelings of missing the other person, facing actual life without them and more generally getting reminded of each area of life that had become entangled with the ex-partner. A very similar process takes place when you ‘break up’ from gambling. This is one of the reason’s why it may be wise and necessary to focus on taking one day at the time in your recovery!
Having dreams and hopes is important, but try to place your focus and energy on how to produce changes for the short term first. When you try to take on all areas that have suffered as a result of your gambling at the same time, you will find that overwhelming panic and depression will quickly set in. By taking one step at the time, whilst having a plan to keep moving forwards, you will tackle the issues gradually instead. Remember that as you grow in your recovery, so do your skills and confidence. The same things that make you feel utterly paralysed and scared on your first days of recovery, are sometimes easily accomplished further down the line when you have built up a level of confidence in yourself. You therefore don’t want to waste your time and self-belief in worrying about stuff that still far in the future. Start with now.
So if you are someone who feel like you are starting to have a dip in motivation – what can I do to help myself opt out of gambling this time?
# When there is no motivation to take action; understand that action produces motivation (and not just other way around). Our motivation to do anything at all will always waxe and wane; hence we need to commit to take continuous action
You don’t have to be a recovering gambler to fall prey for this commonly mistaken belief. We often think that we have to experience a level of motivation to take action. In order to eat – we like to have appetite. In order to do exercise we must want to get certain results. What happens though when we recognise that we definitely need a change in our behaviour- but our motivation is ‘up and down’. The answer is; we commit to do it anyway. Think about having a job. Or being part of a marriage. Most people would recognise in either of those situations that motivation is fluctuating from day to day- but hopefully our commitment to be part of the ‘contractual agreement’ still forces us to take consistent action and show up. When we are successful in doing so- usually our motivation returns at some point, even if it may dip again at some point in the future.
When we rely on motivation and feeling to be a catalyst for action; we automatically set ourselves up for failure. Motivation is not in consistent supply for anybody regardless of WHAT behaviour we are talking about!! Difficult as it may sound, the only way to overcome the problem is to set the scene in such a way that encourages us to stick with our better habits even on those days that our motivation drops to a minimum. Don’t overinterpret a loss of motivation. It will happen and it’s normal. Spend that energy on sustaining action irrespective of how motivated you feel. It is OK to be flexible with yourself. If you normally would try to see a few friends every week to keep your social life active (as one of your ways of staying away from gambling) then seeing them just once or twice is fine. Try to not disrupt good habits entirely if at all possible.
#Use your gambling urges as a barometer: try to understand the meaning of your urges better – and develop new strategies
Having an urge will usually feel like a negative experience. Particularly because the memory of recent lapses and weak moments will be dominating your memory. An urge however could carry important messages to you if you allow yourself the space and time to hear it out.
I find that many of my clients start craving for gambling again when there is a renewed need to focus on themselves. It is as if the brain only knows this one way to challenge its needs- and it is due to recent ‘programming’. The reality is that your body and mind works in close connection at all times and part of its job is to let you know when you are in need of something.
Here is some examples of what your real need might be:
Need for fun and stimulating social activities
Need for emotional nourishing
Need for better physical wellbeing
Need for thrill and excitement
Need for stability and structure
What we don’t want to do – is think that ANY of these needs can ever be met appropriately by gambling. Sure enough, gambling can provide a ‘thrill’ and a bit of excitement in times of boredom and low mood. This is going to be a bit like eating a doughnut when you are hungry though. You will feel immediately full – but soon enough you will be left yearning for food. It is what we call empty calories!!
Next time you have an urge, give yourself some time to listen properly to what it is trying to tell you. Try and write down what your inner soul is asking you for. What does it need? Can you give it to yourself? If you don’t know how to currently…could you learn? See this time as a valuable time when you are training yourself to listen to yourself better, love yourself better and become an accomplished ‘needs-meeter’ in your own life!
# Keep growth going
If you have successfully mastered a few weeks or months of recovery, but keep falling off the wagon at a particular point in time, i.e, 2 or 6 months into recovery. Try to analyse what is going on around that time. Could it be that it corresponds to boredom setting in again? Maybe you are itching for the next step of development in your personal or work life?
For many recovering gamblers, the arsenal of interventions that are often required early days are often so exhausting to put in place, that it is only natural to feel as though you deserve a good break. Whilst you should give yourself plenty of credit for having come this far, it is just as important to keep moving and recognise that as an evolving being, your needs will keep changing slightly.
What gave you great satisfaction on day 10 of your recovery, will have less of an impact on day 100.
Don’t be critical of yourself about that- it is normal for our needs to shift and change over time. Any person in any kind of recovery will know what I’m talking about here.
A cancer patient might be happy if they can get out of bed the first few weeks after the end of treatment. Give that client 3 months in recovery and they will expect a bit more from life. This is perfectly normal and expected. Your task is to review what that next stage of recovery might look like.
This list is not exhaustive, but the steps described above are some of the common reasons that I notice contribute to relapses in the addicted gamblers I meet with in my clinic. Long term recovery is a bit of a ‘fiddly’ job and requires you to really get to know yourself, understand yourself and not be shy to take on a parental compassionate role in your own life. You will need your own backup, mentoring and support along the way!! Whilst this article focused solely on the motivational pitfalls, also do not forget to keep all your physical barriers in place to stop yourself should you ever struggle (money regulations & blocking software etc). Long term recovery has a lot of great to offer- much more so than people dare to even entertain. Keep it going and don’t give up!
Have a nice week and good luck in your recovery! Annika XX