Gamblers questions: How soon after I start dating someone shall I ‘drop the bomb’ about my gambling addiction?
I cannot tell you how many times people have asked me this question in clinic. Hence, I thought it would be a good one to include in this mini-series where I try to bring up and dissect important questions that people often need a bit of input on. The kind of ones that are a bit harder to find in a textbook or even online.
This post is for those of you who are starting, or perhaps looking to start, a new relationship during your addiction recovery. First; remembering that recovery is an ongoing process basically means that for any one of you who are NOT in a relationship that lasted through your early days of recovery- this situation will at some point be a reality for all of you be it 2 months, 6 months, 2 years or 5 years into recovery. Yes, in many aspects you will move forward, and you will most certainly be less preoccupied with the fact that you suffer with gambling problems but you will always need to remain somewhat vigilant to the problem and ensure that you are proactive in safeguarding yourself from relapses in the future. I have seen those who are so moved on that the gambling actually barely crosses their mind anymore. Whilst this is great and liberating, in a relationship with any future partner, it is almost invariably still a problem that you want to bring up sooner rather than later. Some small exceptions may apply, and I will discuss those at the end of the article.
Why should I share?
You might wonder why you would want to bring up something that is no longer happening in an active way, and that is so shameful that it might make a person think differently of you. What you need to remember is this: Much as you dislike this problem and it feels like a really unattractive part of you, it is still exactly that; a part of you. As such, you cannot choose whether to neglect it or not, you have to accept that it is there and learn to get comfortable with that within yourself first.
If any of you are in the camp where you are still wondering whether or not you should disclose your gambling addiction to a future (or current) partner; then let’s take care of that question first.
Some clients I have treated over the years for gambling addiction have for various reason taken the decision not to share their addiction with a partner. In the next small section, we will take a little look at what consequences might be if you opt to make this choice.
Here are some of the implications of not telling a partner the truth about your addiction:
You are partially living a lie; you cannot be yourself in your most intimate personal relationship and have to go through efforts to conceal parts of your current or past life. This is going to have a negative impact not only on the relationship but also on the relationship that you keep with yourself. You might find yourself having to monitor and guard yourself so that you don’t ‘trip up’ all whilst selectively neglecting and dismissing areas of yourself that are important for your growth and development.
You won’t feel authentically you. If your partner does not fully see you or know you- Even if they shower you with love it won’t really home for you in a positive way- since all along you will be aware that you are hiding this dark secret. If they love you a lot you may tell yourself ‘but if only they knew the truth they would drop me like a hot potato’ or if they are not loving towards you, their behaviour might be excused by ‘I don’t deserve any better for what I’m doing to them all the time’.
You will prevent deep connection which could actually lead you right back to the gambling, since relationships and connection often acts as protection from relapse. You will never stop feeling as if ‘the past could catch up’ with you and you will keep wondering what would happen if your partner was to find out. This creates a complicated and stressful web of lies where you will be busy and drained trying to conceal parts of yourself, instead of investing that energy into being the person that you wish to be in the relationship
There may be times when you are really triggered and could do with the help and support of a partner who has an awareness about your problems. By alienating those near you, you step right back into the ‘addiction loop’ and can often with less guilt and moral implications adapt the attitude ‘what they don’t know won’t hurt them’. Just know – it will hurt them, but it will hurt a lot more to find out you were hiding a big piece of yourself for them all along. That will feel like being with a con-man/con-woman!
Am I ready to be in a healthy relationship with myself yet?
A common reason why relationships don’t fully take off (or take off in an unhealthy manner) in early recovery, is linked in with where you are in terms of loving and accepting yourself as you are; with the addiction issues and all. Back when I used to work on an inpatient addiction program, it was sadly not uncommon to see people pairing up in their early days of recovery. You could tell immediately, just by observing them, how their relationship had become a temporary replacement of their addiction, a soothing void-filler; both that would work for a little while. Sooner or later the realisation would come for them, that their dopamine-inducing relationship highs were taking their focus off of their own recovery. When forced to engage with reality and its problems again, it would be glaringly obvious that early recovery required their whole-hearted investment. Trying to act healthy in a relationship when you are full of wounds and have lived in a state of unavailability towards yourself will not result in a long lasting committed and functional relationship. It will at best create a sense of escapism for a while, only to set you up for a crash-landing further down the line when you realise that with too much emotional baggage and low self-worth, any relationship will be flavoured by insecurities and distrust.
I would argue that under these circumstances, your ability or willingness to share your addiction with the partner is of secondary importance to the fact that you are not actually ready to be in a relationship with anyone yet. Remember: to be able to share yourself with another person, it requires you to feel comfortable with who you are so that you can take personal ownership over feelings (good and bad ones), know how to put in healthy boundaries and most importantly value yourself enough to understand you deserve a loving partner who is supportive and treats you well. I will expand a bit on this here below.
Finding acceptance within about your addiction is a pre-requisite for being comfortable sharing it with others
Your entire being in the relationship will be influenced by how you feel about yourself and any areas of discomfort or disconnect will show up, like it or not, as an obstacle for continued growth and depth in your connection with other people.
We teach others how to relate to us- they will just copy us in how we do it.
Meaning; if you hold yourself in high regard and expect to be treated well in the relationship- other people will have no choice but to abide by your healthy boundaries and treat you well. If they don’t; you will trust yourself to not remain in the relationship.
If on the other hand your thinking goes
‘well…what good can I really expect after my years of addiction’ then rest assured you will be setting yourself up for trouble. Trust problems, insecurities, jealousy, high-drama and outright abuse are all situations that can easily unfold when one or both partners do not believe themselves to be worthy of a good relationship.
But how can I accept something I don’t like – such as my gambling addiction?
Accepting that you have a gambling addiction is not the same as wearing it like a ‘badge of honour’ or promoting it like something that is at the forefront of one’s identity.
We don’t have to be pleased with something in order to accept it.
We are in a difficult situation right now with the corona virus for instance. Do we have to like it to be able to accept it? Does the idea of not accepting it make our lives easier or harder?
There are times in our lives when we will all be disappointed in ourselves or feel ashamed or embarrassed over something we said or did. Coming to accept that you may have spent the better part of your adult life acting in a way that does not reflect your true being is understandably tough. Difficult as it may be though, if we are unable to find acceptance- we will continue to burn up energy trying to pursue life and relationships from a place of fear and delusion. Acceptance on the other hand, once you are able to master it, is liberating. It means you no longer have to hide from others or yourself. You are choosing to come to terms with ‘what is’ and thereby aligning with reality as opposed to continue to operate in a fantasy world where you can pick and choose which bits you want to acknowledge, and which ones you don’t. Accepting and letting go will be a topic for another post- but for now just know that this is a decision that you have to make again and again by reminding yourself that you are deciding to accept even at times when we are up against our own reluctance. It does not always happen naturally!
So, How and when do I actually break the news to a new partner & aren’t they just going to leave me when they find out?
Let’s break this down a bit. First, how and when do I break the news to them?
‘Shall I do it immediately and have it over with?’
‘ Is it wise to wait until they are ‘hooked’ or is that unfair….that feels like I don’t give them a choice to bail if they don’t like this aspect of me…’
‘Is it selfish of me to keep this secret to myself even right at the beginning? ‘
All of these questions are understandable and ever so common. There is no exact science around this area, which is why I decided to write about it. You can only do your best. I will discuss the factors to consider. I will also offer you my personal opinion that I have formed based on observation of many clients ending up in this pickle, for what it is worth.
If this was a physical ailment – how would I relate to it? Let’s say you suffered an invisible disability, a past history of cancer, infertility issues or as one of my previous clients who suffered herpes and had huge anxiety about dating since he was worried about what any future partner might think of him.
What do you do?
I think this way of looking at it is important as it forces us to get away from stigma and consider the facts as they are. You don’t want to end up ‘self-stigmatising’ by thinking that gambling is worse than anything else that people might present with. Every difficulty will come with its own distinct combo of challenges. Gambling addiction, seen in this context, is just as much a ‘disease’ (even if I don’t normally like to use that word for it for other reasons) as any of the ones mentioned here above. It is debilitating when it happens and when it happened, it comes with a risk of relapse and is therefore chronic however can also remain dormant for many years and decades if managed well. Aside from something like Herpes (as it is a communicable disease and you should tell someone before sex) there is no hard and fast rules of when you would relay the news about your gambling. For most ailments listed above and any other ones you can think of – it is perfectly normal for it not to come up in conversation on the first, second or third date. On the other hand, if we get to know someone, feel good around them and feel that they are trustworthy, then it is a good idea to tell them when you are noticing that the relationship is gaining depth and you are starting to talk about things that are personal.
Although it might be really hard to find a good timing for it, it may help remembering that you will never be able to short-cut this stage. At some point they will need to know.
You have some options in how to relay it as well. One client of mine chose to ‘drip-feed’ the information. He wanted to test the waters a bit and see what kind of response he was getting. As his girlfriend seemed nothing but supportive, he quickly decided that this was a person he could trust with this deeply personal problem and divulged the whole truth to her. Another client of mine decided to write it all in a letter as he had been holding it back for too long. Whilst his woman was a bit shocked to start with (he had never uttered a word about it previously) she eventually came around and decided to help and support him going forwards. If I was to opt for a method, I do believe there is a lot to be said for allowing it to come up naturally. If, for instance, you get asked why you can’t pop along for a night out at a casino, or why you are still paying of large sums to a bank debt; here is a good opportunity to start revealing the truth.
But what if they still leave me?
I have followed the lives of many hundreds of gamblers over many years.
Has it ever happened that a good partner left them due to their gambling addiction?
Yes, it definitely has!
However, typically the reason tends to be the deceit around the gambling, the inability or unwillingness of the addicted gambler to want to tackle the problem or sometimes situations where, even with the best of efforts, the constant relapsing just becomes too much to cope with for a partner. It could also be that the partner themselves had issues that needed attention, and that being involved with a person with addiction would trigger something difficult in them. I very rarely see the scenario which is the one that most gamblers fear the most. Basically, a relationship with a compatible and trustworthy individual that is off to a brilliant start but then suddenly turns sour because there is an honest disclosure about gambling addiction (one that is being attended to and put into remission) . Should this still happen, then please accept that this person was never going to be a good match for you anyway. You have so much to offer aside from your addiction and if someone does not choose to see that, then they were not good for you. Try to avoid seeing it the other way around even if they are the one who decided to leave!
Discernment about timing
Although I have definitely seen some people who have still had successfully developing relationships, despite sharing openly about their gambling addiction immediately upon meeting a person, let’s not deny that many people will be a bit put off getting ‘served’ such serious realities on the first date. This, in my view, is not because gambling addiction itself is necessarily more problematic than all other problems, but because the idea of sharing anything very serious or heavy that quickly may suggest that the issue is still very raw and unprocessed for the person who is suffering with it. Indeed, most people would refrain from sharing their most traumatic, difficult or perhaps less attractive features very early on in a relationship. Whilst we of course ultimately need the other person to accept us as we are, let’s not forget that as an addicted gambler you are a lot more than just your addiction, just like there is a lot more than the traumas to a trauma-victim. It is important to allow a new date to get to know that person underneath the problem too.
Many people, particularly those who have been in Gamblers Anonymous, will have worked hard on their ability to operate with honesty. I don’t disagree with being honest, neither do I promote omissions of facts in the longer term. However, we need to also live in the real world and recognise that letting someone know about your problems and difficulties before they know anything else about you – is likely to result in losing out on people who would otherwise had been perfectly able to be accepting of a gambling addiction had there been an opportunity to get to know YOU before finding out.
What are some benefits of telling a partner?
· They can help support you by pointing out if you are starting to show signs of relapse
, not just the version of you that you chose to present. Presenting a false self to someone is going to impede any level of growth and trust in the relationship
During practical tasks that impose a risk to you, a partner may be able to assist by taking charge of accounts etc
You may need them to safeguard future savings/family assets and money and they therefore need to be aware of the problem
They could be the go between if you ever need to receive or handle large sums of money in the future
This last one I really like; I find that those *healthy* relationships that survive and continues to develop after the gambling addiction is revealed often turn out to be particularly strong and worthwhile relationships. Remember, nobody who likes you for any other reasons than that they love YOU, or are superficially keen on you only are going to opt in after this point.
Let’s say that you have stopped gambling, have come to terms with it being a problem but genuinely feel that it is not something that will ever re-emerge. Could I then take a slightly different approach?
I thought I would put this section in here too, since there are a large number of gamblers out there for whom gambling genuinely may never reoccur or may never even cross their mind ever again. Could be that they gambled problematically ever so briefly at a particular point in life, or in response to a particular event or trigger. They never really felt addicted. On the other hand, there are also a large number of gamblers who are always going to be at risk of a relapse, even if only minimal, given a certain set of circumstances.
What is tricky about the latter group described, is that they are frequently in and out of denial about the likelihood of having a relapse. Denial paired with impulsivity means that you might quickly swing from the extreme of knowing how bad this activity is for you- all the way to thinking it will never take place every again. All within a couple of hours or days.
How would you know which category you fit in with? I would suggest that people will know in their hearts the difference between not sharing something because it simply does not seem to be relevant anymore (or just didn’t even come to mind ) and the other scenario in which you are pushing the truth down in an attempt to omit a crucial piece of information from a partner.
If the level of depth of the relationship makes you feel that this person should know about your gambling past- then they probably should….
Many people recovering from addiction will naturally struggle with the process of trusting in themselves and their judgment. If in doubt- tune in with your feelings about the matter and what values you hold about relationships and ensure that you take steps to act in accordance with such values.
In essence; if it feels ‘bad’ not to tell someone about the gambling and as if you are having to hold yourself back so that you don’t accidently let it slip- you should definitely be telling the person about it. If the gambling is something that happened so long ago (perhaps more like a one-off period as opposed to a prolonged issue) then you are unlikely to feel as if you are omitting something from your new partner. You are likely to know if you are or have been truly addicted, in which case you should always be telling a future partner.
In summary, navigating relationships with an addiction in your back-pocket can be tricky, but as I always say to clients; please do not think that it is impossible or all bad. Living with a person in recovery can have its challenges but will also have a number of advantages. If you are dealing with your issues in the best possible way, it means living a life where you are consciously tuned in rather than one of constant autopilot. This will increase life satisfaction and ensure that lifestyle choices and decisions are well thought through and considered.
With love, Annika