Happy new year! 'Keep your heads in the clouds and both feet firmly planted on the ground ' (ref. Big Book/AA))

Why you must keep aiming high during your recovery

End-of-year inventory and troubleshooting

Another year has come to an end. Although every day of the year is, technically, a new day when you can choose to start ‘fresh’ –a new year often brings with it a feeling of ‘reset’.

Personally, I quite like the idea of taking an honest self-inventory at the end of the year. Reviewing the last 12 months, allows me to easily see what worked well, and the things that did not work out so well.  If I look over 2022; I was pleased with my clinical practice, my work-life balance, and a few other things. On the other hand, my productivity on the blog and what has now become a ‘chronic goal’ of completing a book for gamblers, left a lot to be desired for. This is life. There is nothing that can be gained from beating oneself up. On the other hand, I would like to move into the new year knowing that I have at least acknowledged any obstacles to goal completion, and had a go at troubleshooting for a solution. This process is not an exercise in self-flagellation or about giving yourself a bashing for the things you did wrong.

It is a simple and honest, reality-based form of attempted self-improvement. 

What’s the point of dreaming and setting goals when I always let myself down anyway?

One of the issues I have often come across when trying to assist people in recovery is an unwillingness to dream big and set positive and desirable goals for the future.  If this resonates with you, you might find that the many disappointments and set-back you have faced so far have made you think with skepticism about the future. The entire idea of setting goals may seem like a sham process, due to a long and steady track record of non-accomplishment. Therefore, you cringe from the minute you sit down to put those goals down on paper. You might have just concluded that the logical thing to do is to not set a single goal to start with. The absence of goals and dreams does however come with some negative consequences that we will explore further below.

Non-commitment as a form of self-protection

‘If I don’t commit to anything it means I don’t expect anything from myself at all. That way it will be a bonus if I achieve something’  

….said quite a number of clients that I treated over the years. Particularly those with a lengthy history of letting themselves down and not sticking with their recovery goals. 

At first, you might think this makes a bit of sense. Yeah…why not just expect nothing from yourself and set the baseline really low. That way the only way is up, right?

Now, think about any other area of life from this standpoint. Relationships, work, raising children …. What will happen if we have no standards, hopes dreams, expectations, and no action plan whatsoever? We will be putting ourselves forward for all sorts of boundary-busting behaviors from others and most certainly will not help ourselves when we underachieve. I would go as far as to argue that by holding ourselves to the lowest possible standard- we will feel uninspired, unmotivated, and hopeless.

This is not a great way to embark into the new year or on your continued recovery journey!

No goals- no aim = low motivation & hopelessness = a slippery slope back to gambling

There are many reasons why existing on the spectrum between boredom and hopeless despair is problematic in recovery, but since I would like to focus this blog post on the positive side, I will mention just a few here below:

# if we have no plan or dream, we have no roadmap. You won’t even think about what you would LIKE to achieve, let alone how. Your entire recovery may end up becoming an endless quest for quitting gambling, but without putting anything else in place. As I have mentioned many times before; quitting is not enough to enter recovery. once you have quit- it is the rest of your life that requires most of the work!

Your life will soon enough feel uninspiring and full of voids. It is at that point I see many gamblers in recovery think to themselves ‘what’s the point of this? At least when I gambled I had fun *sometimes*. May as well treat myself to a small bet…’

# By not making a single commitment to yourself, your standards will not be upgraded as you progress in your recovery and you will, soon enough, feel like you are stagnating as a human being.  All people like to experience some form of growth and progress whether or not they admit it to themselves.

By being non-committal with goals, dreams and plans you are NOT protecting yourself from feeling that you let yourself down. Rather, you are ensuring that you DO let yourself down by not even giving yourself a shot at success!

# Not having any goals, dreams or plans will interfere with the daily ‘running’ of your life in a big way. For starters, you will find yourself far more vulnerable to distractions. Remember, if there is no roadmap, what is a little detour here and there? reactivity is a supervillain for most gamblers and by creating an environment without any direction, you are very likely to end up feeling reactive all day long.

For most of you who have been stuck in gambling addiction, you will find that there is no shortage of destructive impulses, pulls towards procrastination, and/or other devious forms of self-sabotage. By not even knowing what you would like your life to look like, you are extremely unlikely to be able to pick apart your helpful thoughts, feelings, and inner guidance from that which is plain impulse and destruction!

We grow from our failures

Reinvention is part of life. We grow more when we suffer than when everything is going to plan. So rather than allowing your misfortunes and failures to be a platform from which you slide down the hole of further gambling, allow it to be a launching pad for your future success. This is of course easier said than done. However, by simply thinking differently about it, you can begin to see your past failures as important stepping-stones for growth. Since we don’t gain anything from overidentifying with our failures (and the feelings they give rise to) we may as well make an active choice to grow from them.

Growing from failures is not possible if we refuse to look at ourselves, take no accountability or deny our own truth!!

If you are struggling with addiction, you will sadly find that denial comes more easily than the idea of taking ownership. You will need to prompt the process of accountability all by yourself, so just make sure you keep a neutral attitude toward yourself. Yes, some of the things you have done in your life as an addict may be downright terrible- but you are not terrible. There is a huge difference. Your ability to resurrect is still intact, however in order to do so, you must make a choice to take charge!

Reasons to dream big, aim high and commit to new goals for yourself

Here is a small list of reasons for dreaming big:

# When you sit down to ponder on your goals and dreams, you will find that the mind assists you with motivation and a feeling of ‘wind in the sails’.  Yes, there might also be the noise of your self-critical mind blabbering on about how you are likely to fail or how bad things have worked out in the past. Try to tune that out.

Instead, try to assist yourself further by visualizing the next steps of your plan, and prioritizing the steps that are most meaningful. Then go over them in your head many times. With deliberation. The idea is that you create a pathway in your mind from which action-taking will feel a little more familiar and natural.

This is not dissimilar to the degree of repeat thinking you used to suffer when you craved for another ‘fix’ from gambling. The only difference is that your obsessional yearning for gambling and the peppering of impulsive thoughts were processes that took place automatically and, likely, compulsively.

When you are repeating and visualizing solutions, routes to progress, and ways of solving problems. you are going to find that you have to apply a bit more effort.  The brain is not ‘rewarded’ by the mere fantasy of taking action in the same way as it was when you were lusting for gambling. 

# When you dream big, you begin to feel like life is worthwhile. The feeling of joy and fulfillment is a major antidote to gambling-cravings and the idea of ‘seeking luck and happiness’ in all the wrong places.

It is also a way to relieve states of temporary boredom as it provides a positive focus for the mind. Aimless idleness of the mind is one of the worst states for a recovering gambler! It creates a breeding ground for impulsivity, reactivity, and a sense of being ready to ‘jump’ on to anything that catches one’s attention.

When you are actively creating the life you want and taking back control over your life, and therefore you are less needing for a ‘break’ provided by external sources.

 

‘The life beyond your wildest dreams’ (ref: 12-step recovery Bigbook recovery)

For those of you who have done 12-step programs or attended Gamblers Anonymous (or Alcoholics/Narcotics anonymous), you might be familiar with the promise of a ‘Life beyond your wildest dreams’. At first (and for those of you not familiar with the fellowships and their program) this might lead you to visualize a life full of flamboyance, fantasy, and no reality whatsoever. I have watched many fellowship attendees shrug when they first hear about this promise as it sounds too good to be true. Some have even suggested it makes them suspicious that they are being ‘lured’ into recovery by false baits.

Yes, it will happen but only if you commit to your recovery

Having witnessed thousands of people apply themselves in recovery, it is however very clear that ‘the life beyond the wildest dreams’ is not about the extravaganza of life. Many addicts (particularly gamblers who have found that gambling is mainly a source of dopamine and head rush) tend to believe that a good life is one spiked with many ‘highs’ in day-to-day existence. This could not be further from the truth.

Happiness and fulfillment are usually found in the freedom and joy of living a clean life. By following small steps of action and more importantly knowing that you can trust yourself to do the right thing for you without being hi-jacked by an addiction.

When you learn to appreciate what you have already instead of chasing the things you don’t have (be it emotion or ‘things’) you will feel a lot better.  Abstinence from gambling, gratitude, personal accountability, a simple honest living, and a basic day-to-day routine that you adhere to are your building blocks on the journey of recovery. Yes, there will be techniques to learn, emotional growth to encounter and relationship work to be done. None of this is impossible when you take things one step at a time and keep your focus on the basics.

From time to time, you can do a small review to reset some goals, expand your horizons, and to upgrade your skills repertoire.

Simplicity is key to happiness

Isn’t it good to know that the solution lies in finding joy in little things, rather than thinking that you need to find complex, hard-to-achieve miracles that should somehow ‘cure’ you from your yearning for addiction? Yet, so many people - gamblers or not- appear to believe that the quest for more is going to generate more happiness. It won’t. Try and think about the values that you hold closest to your heart and then try to identify the simplest possible way for you to live such values. If, for instance, being a great and present parent is one such goal; the key to simple achievement will not be found in finding the best-paying job, putting them in the greatest school ever, and then one day getting to spend your time watching the fruits of the educational system’s labor. It will be easier to commit to spending more time with your child and then do enough work to pay the bills etc. This is just one example and as always there will be exceptions- but it is just an attempt to illustrate my point about simplicity.

 The fantasist gambler and the risks of dreaming -without having a foothold in reality

Many gamblers are slight fantasists. This is not a criticism, but merely an observation. Many live beyond their means, bet on potential, and think about life ventures on the basis of provisions that are not yet at hand. ‘If only I win it will work out’  the thinking goes.

As I am sure you can imagine (not least if you fall into this category of gambler)- you will realise just how slippery that slope can be.  You will create living standards you cannot live up to, create fake versions of yourself to appease others’ expectations, and turn any ‘goal’ into more misguided action. Gambling will then become a route to bridge the gap between the fantasy lifestyle and reality. Sadly, a route that leads you straight down a dead-end.

I recall one gambler I treated many years ago who would do all of his shopping in the fine butchers and food stores on Marylebone high street (a fancy shopping street in London, UK) despite gambling and not having a job. He frequented all the cool nightclubs and usually had to lie to couple of people to wangle his way onto the a-list events. Gambling wins were going to be ‘the route’ that would enable all of this fanciness to be a daily reality. He just needed to get a win and hold on to it. Additionally, he wanted me to understand that his ‘living out a fantasy’ should be seen as an ‘investment’ in his life in some roundabout way.  The celeb-status friends and a few cool opportunities were all part of the payout that had already occurred. All of his actions were clearly driven by a need for ego inflation, and as a result, he was feeling depressed and inauthentic. Still, he felt that he was aiming appropriately at living the dream. He sought my help to deal with his depression with very little insight into what was making him feel hopeless about himself.

What is a life of fancy exterior if you feel like you are having to put on charades to be liked or approved? How are your relationships going to be fulfilling if you had to lie your way to get into them? These were questions we tried to address alongside the cessation of his gambling. Gambling had come to represent a bridge between his fantasy lifestyle and his current realistic existence. In these situations, it can be really hard to let go of gambling. He finally did, but it took quite some time to start realigning his hopes with reality.

The moral of the story

I presented this vignette (which has been altered sufficiently to avoid identification) for one reason only.  As a reminder of the difference between dreaming big - with an action plan attached to such a dream vs big dreams without any plan or reality base whatsoever. The latter can often lead to attempted fulfillment through the use of gambling or other addictions. Whilst it might feel like you are closing in on the dream in the moment of gambling or even more so, winning, let’s not forget that many addicted multi-millionaire gamblers still get hooked. Still suffer. Still, chase emotion. And still feel utterly devastated when they realise that they have lost control over what matters the most- their own self, their values, and their ability to live authentically.

Being appreciated by others for traits, external attributes, money etc that are not a true reflection of who we are will never ever lead to fulfillment. You only need to do one day in the job of a Psychologist to discover that! Chances are, you will know it just by taking a look at the moments of your life when you felt the best about who you are. 

You will also struggle to feel complete as long as you are ‘hooked’ on a certain feeling, activity, or person to feel ‘complete’. Dependency in all its forms tends to lead to misery and the sooner you can take personal accountability for your own condition, and take steps to change, the sooner you will start feeling better about yourself. This is not the same as doing recovery alone. Support and community are very important and absolutely recommended.

To sum this up without going off on a day-long ramble, I, therefore, would like to remind you of yet another worthwhile quote from the AA/Fellowship Bigbook 

We have come to believe He would like us to keep our heads in the clouds with Him, but that our feet ought to be firmly planted on earth.

Dream big. Set your standards high. But do not forget to have a level of realism intertwined with your dreams too. Gamblers are notorious for wanting quick outcomes and instant gratification. Life does not get better because things are achieved QUICKLY.

In fact, straining and working towards a goal often brings tremendous satisfaction even when the journey is very slow.

You keep your head happy and motivated by thinking of all of those things you would like to see yourself achieve. You then ground yourself by looking at the ACTUAL sub-set of goals, steps, and mini-solutions that will be required to get there. 

Thank you!

I would like to thank all my readers for your support of my blog in the last year, and years before that. I also wish to tell you that you bring me so much inspiration. In moments of personal struggle, I frequently bring my clients/stories from readers to mind to recall the struggles and growth that so many of you have mastered.  Never give up on yourselves!

 Wishing you all a very happy, healthy & prosperous 2023!! And please stay put for more reading in the next many months to come :)

Lots of love,

Annika X