Gamblers' questions: How can I ever be safe to myself again...? How to deal with an urge that comes from out of nowhere
One of the things that freak most addicted gamblers out at some point during recovery is the experience of an urge that seemingly hits them out of the left field. That’s not to say that all is well so long as the urges are expected, but there is something particularly cruel about an urge that ‘arrives’ when everything is going well.
I have written about this before. This time I want to explore in more detail how to counteract this phenomenon. Of course, these techniques apply to any kind of urge, whether they are of the type you could have predicted or the ones that strike you as lightning on a clear blue day.
For a few months now, I have benefited from the kind help and support from one of my US-based blog readers. Let’s call her Cara to protect her identity. She offered to proofread and correct my blogs before publication - A job that I am aware has been overdue for years. So, on behalf of many readers as well as myself, THANK YOU! I am sure this is a welcomed upgrade for many.
Cara recently got into some trouble in her recovery process from gambling addiction and she was happy for me to share her recent challenge with other readers. Her experience of ‘near-lapse’ which she ended up managing extremely well, will echo what many addicted gamblers face during their recovery journey.
Here is Cara’s experience in her own words:
I’ve been substitute teaching while looking for a job. I had an assignment today. The teacher had a meeting to go to and would be back, and there was an assistant there too, so they really didn’t need me. So I thought: If I make up a story and leave, I can go to the casino and no one would know. So I did. I made up a story and came home to get my credit cards. My husband was out back doing some yard work and didn’t see me come in. (I must admit I felt that familiar rush of adrenaline that comes with that gambling secrecy.)I drove to the bank. I kept telling myself that this is just what I need and no one will ever know. When I got to the bank it was only 8:30 am so I had a half-hour to wait. I was planning to get $1,000! So instead, I went to my online account on my phone and transferred $500 to a debit card so I could go to their ATM instead. I figured I would start with $500 (isn’t that sick?!)I just sat there in the bank parking lot thinking… thinking about the “after”, knowing that there would be an “after”. That “after” hit me hard. We gamblers never focus on the “after”; we just want to play and play and play. But the “after” always comes. And we always hate ourselves “after”. I knew I wouldn’t stop at $500, and probably not at $1,000. So, as much as I wanted to gamble, I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. Instead, I drove home. I should feel really good about it and proud of myself, but all I can focus on is lying to the teacher.
But I know this was an important step. I thought that maybe you could include this in one of your posts. If gambling addicts can really hone in on those future feelings of “after” even as they are about to jump into the casino abyss, maybe they can pull themselves back, like I was able to do today. However, I’m not going to get too confident about this, because I’ve learned all too well that the devil can get in at any time. I’m grateful, but very much aware of how powerful - and sneaky - this addiction really is.
Why an urge wipes out your logic?
I am sure Cara’s story will resonate with many of your own experiences.
The suddenness of the impulse.
The sneakiness and unpredictability of the moment.
The way that urges temporarily ‘hook you in’ and cause you to act like an automated robot with no willpower or self-control.
The actions carried out when ‘under the influence’ of strong cravings can happen with such speed and ease. It does not help that your entire reasoning has temporarily shifted from being ‘in favour of recovery’ to suddenly being ‘in favour of another bet’. The logic behind NOT doing something suddenly gets looked upon as illogic! The reasoning beyond this point will sound as though further gambling is the most reasonable action plan.
Some examples may be thoughts like…:
‘Yes, another bet makes sense… that way I can pay off everything and just be even’
‘I will stop after this round. It is just because of X that I need to do this, and once I win that’s it, I’ll stop (X insert any reason)
‘I’ve done well so far; I deserve some good times today…’
It is as though your inner ‘jury of sensible judgment’ has been replaced by a bunch of crooks whose only mission is to lead you astray.
Why does this happen?
To understand what happens during a powerful urge, it helps to understand the concept of delay discounting and how it relates to gambling addiction.
Delay discounting refers to the tendency to devalue rewards as a function of the temporal distance to receiving them. In simpler terms, the longer a person needs to wait for a reward, the more likely it is that they will discount the importance of that reward.
The preference for immediate rewards is a well-documented problem in addicted gamblers (as well as in other addictions). As you can probably imagine this tendency has grave consequences in gambling where the immediacy of the gambling experience (and the hope for a win) is always going to be ‘closer’ in time than the potential outcome.
To complicate matters even further, you also need to consider that the really bad consequences of gambling tend to come about after several gambling episodes. The possibility of a win (never mind any wins would lead to further gambling as well) could happen as soon as ‘immediately’.
This disparity in focus between short- and long-term consequences can complicate reasoning even for the most logical of thinkers during a state of emotional arousal.
There is an abundance of research that links high levels of impulsivity with gambling addiction. I will not go into the concept of impulsivity (as it incorporates several different sub-constructs); however, it would be fair to say that many gamblers who develop a high addiction score also score quite highly on scales of impulsivity. The impulsivity can originate from several causes but the significant overlap between clients with ADHD and gambling addiction is noteworthy here…
If you are keen to understand more about how impulsivity and delay discounting relate to gambling addiction, I would recommend reading the article I have quoted at the bottom of the page and perhaps also some of the articles quoted in the text, particularly the one by the very talented gambling researcher who sadly passed away a few years ago – Nancy Petry -and her research on delay discounting and gambling addiction.
Where does my logic go during an urge?
A lot of things happen when we get emotional. The impact of emotion on our reasoning is by no means isolated to the world of gambling.
Think about how able you are to recall how full and gross you felt last time you had too much to eat when faced with your favourite dish that makes your mouth water?
Or how reasonable do you sound when you speak to someone during a state of intense anger?
Our reasoning is always tending toward becoming myopic (short-sighted) when we are intensely emotional. When you think short-term only as a result of a strong urge, the negative consequences that can arise from a few minutes of terrible reasoning are sadly very severe.
nuvolanevicata @ shutterstock
How to ‘transplant’ the long-term consequences into your current processing when faced with an urge?
It is not like you are unaware of the consequences of your gambling. In my opinion, it is important to emphasize that your inability to recall (in the moment of an urge) how much damage your gambling has done to you, your life and your loved ones are NOT a sign of stupidity or callous disregard. Many people believe that this must be the case and will therefore engage in prolonged ruminations after a bet due to conclusions being drawn about who they are as a person. Thinking of yourself as dumb or evil will bring on immediate sadness and grief, and will likely make you more likely to thirst for a ‘numbing-out session’ as provided by gambling.
The inability to ‘connect properly’ during times of a trigger is very much a display of how addiction works. If it was not for this fact, remember you would not be where you are now. If your mind operated like a flat line in terms of emotion and impulse and you were always in control and able to do what you know in your heart is ‘right’- chances are that you would not have kept gambling to start with. Why? Because you would never get excited and disconnect from the possibility that you are more likely to lose than to win. We are all prone to poor decision-making and elevated impulsivity during high levels of emotion – this goes for both celebratory mood states and low ones. Addicted gamblers, by the very nature of their temperament and range of specific brain-related vulnerabilities, are probably even more prone to this. There are many practical solutions in place to prevent you from acting on impulse irrespective of how prone you may be towards impulsive decision-making.
# Carry an item/items that remind you of the damage gambling has done – this can help remind you of the negative consequences and the associated feelings. If you don’t have such an item, a letter to yourself written at a time just after a loss will do as well.
In addition to preventing access to cash and doing as much self-exclusion as you can manage, you can also try to prompt yourself on a cognitive level about the damage gambling has done to your life. One way of putting yourself in touch with those feelings quickly, and during an emerging urge, is to carry around something that acts as an emotional reminder of the damage your gambling has done. This can be anything from photos of a betrayed loved one to the horrifying bank statements that display a gambling ‘bender’ where the gambling was completely out of control. For those of you who have attended Gamblers Anonymous and have done the 12 steps, you might choose to carry your collateral letters (i.e., letters from loved ones written to the addicted person about how their addiction has impacted them).
All that matters is that it is relevant to you and your past. It should bring back a negative feeling of the consequences and put you in touch with that feeling at a time when your mind is trying to dissociate from such feelings and memories.
# Remember how short your high will be in comparison to the low that comes afterwards
Just like Cara in her near-miss above, a very important piece of information is to recall how short-lived the ‘high’ (or for some, period of dissociation) will be, and on the contrary, try to remember how long-lived your ‘low’ afterwards will become.
You might win a sum of money but….
a) you won’t stop there since you don’t have control over your gambling or else you would not be where you are with the gambling
b) you will therefore always lose the money sooner or later
c) you will then have to face a lot of difficult consequences such as owning up to loved ones, working loads of hours to make the money ‘back’ or postpone other priority activities or expenses that were planned for that money. Some of the lapses can take years to repair and cost a gambler a significant amount of stress and grey hair due to the anxiety and stress they bring about.
# Try and remind yourself that your mind is playing tricks on you and try to detach!
The sooner you can realise this and detach from everything (including thoughts) that is happening at the particular time of the urge – the better it is. Give yourself time to process properly and for the feelings to settle down. If you are finding that one part of your mind is relentlessly trying to convince the other that gambling will be a good idea- try and recognise that it at least cannot be that urgent. Delay tactics can work surprisingly well when it comes to urges. This is because you might have more success in convincing yourself to ‘postpone’ rather than completely talk yourself out of gambling. By the time ‘later’ rolls around, the feeling will have settled down and you can yet again use your common sense and logic to reason yourself out of doing anything you shouldn’t be doing. As I mentioned earlier; your problem is not one of stupidity, lack of understanding or a distorted conception of the damage that gambling has caused. The issue is that your emotions are creating a temporary loss of foresight and healthy reasoning. When you realise this, you can start devising better strategies for how to get yourself through the most difficult struggles by addressing some part of your urge without falling into the hole.
# Stop your access to CASH/CREDITS/CARDS etc.
As in Cara’s example above, the risk of entering a trance-like state during which you end up squandering thousands of pounds/dollars (or whatever currency you gamble in) can be high at the time of an intense urge. This is my strongest argument for planning effectively and ensuring that you NEVER have that kind of access to funds. If you are serious about quitting your addiction, this is without a doubt the first thing you need to do. As I have mentioned in several of my previous posts, the trouble is that this step comes with considerable resistance. Yet the vast majority of lapses can be traced back to having too much access to money, open access to a venue or oftentimes both. Remember that without one of these two ‘ingredients’ gambling is not possible. Therefore, if you ensure you keep that boundary tight you are already a good step on the way. I have been over the counterarguments that I hear from clients many times before in my blog. The main one tends to be that ‘but removing access to money will not end the addiction though…’
For those of you who think that this is a reason to not block your access, just know that I am not saying this will end your addiction. I am saying that it will provide you with peace and distance from the gambling that you so desperately need in order to start working on all the underlying problems that will otherwise open the doors for relapse after relapse. It will disallow you the possibility of returning when times get tough and will also gradually alter your thinking around the possibility of reaching for a bet in a time of crisis.
Just like nobody should bet more than they can afford to lose (whether addicted or not) an addicted gambler should never have access to more than they can afford to lose.
This means you should probably carry a very small amount of money and any access to cards, credit lines and other possible withdrawal options should be eradicated.
ONLY YOU will know how to do this, and you will find that if you scrutinise your mind, you will recognize that it is ONLY YOU that is holding yourself back from acting on this piece of information.
How can I know this? Because I have heard every single excuse under the sun for why one should not have to restrict access to cash/cards/credits but yet somehow be able to stop gambling.
# Start integrating more mindfulness into your life to raise your awareness of your inner world
Yes, paying attention to inner processes may feel like a double edge sword in the early days after quitting gambling. On the one hand, you might try actively to not engage with difficult craving experiences and ruminative thinking. On the other hand, by not paying close attention to your mental state (including thoughts, feelings and physiological sensations) you will soon find yourself in a position where strong cravings or other negative inner experiences ‘come over you’ like an avalanche during a sunny day on the ski-slope. You are standing there watching the beautiful powder snow and suddenly you see a horrifying roll of snow coming towards you and you know it is over… What mindfulness can offer is the equivalent to the early signs of a disaster. Avalanches as well as tsunamis present early signs. If we know them, we can save our lives. Gambling lapses typically present with a range of early signs too. You might notice small ‘twitches’ in the mind, little sneaky thoughts and hard-to-manage feelings, subtle dishonest behaviours and lies that you tell to set the scene. It may not work every single time, but at least you have an opportunity to detect the early vibrations of something about to happen. If you spend a few minutes here and there every day, you will notice how you are feeling. You will notice what sort of thoughts you are dealing with and how those make you feel in your mind and your body. If you are already comfortably attending to your inner world without having a negative ‘reaction’ and attempting to avoid it, you can even attempt to keep a percentage of your attention directed inwards at all times. You can, for instance, be with a friend and have a great chat but at the same time notice that something they tell you irritates you and note the feeling internally. When we attend properly to our inner world, there is a sense of things slowing down. This provides you with an early opportunity to intervene.
Final takeaway: Once you know you have an addiction- you need to act as if you have one!
At the very core of an addiction is the loss of control. This not only needs to be accepted, but it also needs to be incorporated into every strategy that you put in place to stop yourself from pursuing your undesired behaviour. So in summary; each blocking strategy and attempts at self-exclusion need to be done with the bottom line understanding that at any point (even if it may not be right now) you might act like a psychologically hi-jacked lunatic whose memories of previous disasters and losses have just been wiped out. When you apply this reasoning, you will get more to the point of what you need to do. If you were devising strategies for how to control a drunk and drugged thief from entering your house, for example – what length would you go to?
It sounds a bit dramatic and maybe, for some, a bit depressing that you should have to do this. I would suggest that you disregard any feelings of shame and embarrassment or any self-critical lines of thoughts such as ‘what kind of idiot am I that I have to do this to stop myself…I shouldn’t have to’. Who cares what anybody - including yourself - thinks if the blocks you put in place work to stop you from gambling!?
If you enjoyed this post you might also like this one here which talks about self-sabotage during recovery.
Mackillop, J., Miller, J. D., Fortune, E., Maples, J., Lance, C. E., Campbell, W. K., & Goodie, A. S. (2014). Multidimensional examination of impulsivity in relation to disordered gambling. Experimental and clinical psychopharmacology, 22(2), 176–185. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0035874