Gamblers' questions: Do I have to hit rock bottom before I start my recovery?
What is rock bottom anyway? A subjective experience that acts as a moving goalpost
For those of you who have followed the blog for a while, you might recognise this story of a gambler who attended my homeless group for addicted gamblers a couple of years back. During a group session where we were addressing issues around motivation and the extreme fluctuations that they would experience. Some days they would feel like their gambling was a thing of the past yet it was not that uncommon that they would find themself back in a betting shop only hours later.
One man (who I really rated for his dedication to attending the groups despite his poor functioning) always carried a large bin-liner in which he stored all of his belongings. His shoes were torn around the edges, and there was little doubt, looking at him, that he had slept rough for a long time. He had in fact been on the streets for the better part of 14 years and gambling was by no means his only issue. Yet it was the main one and the problem that kept him stuck in his position. While we were discussing some of the reasons he found himself always returning to gambling, despite the fact that it kept him from making any progress, he said with conviction:
‘I think we will only be able to quit gambling when we hit rock bottom….’.
If it had not been clear to me before that point; it was at that moment I knew for sure that ‘rock bottom’ is nothing other than a moving goalpost. Just like for my homeless gambler in the group, you might find yourself almost ‘waiting’ to hit rock bottom with the hope that this will ignite a spark of miraculous motivation which in turn will enable you to quit. While you wait, your life not only passes you by, but you also will more or less expect yourself to be doing further damage to your life.
It will act like a silent permit to go off and wreck your life under the false premise that it would get easier to stop once the bottom has been reached.
Image credit: Zdenek Sase @alamy (with adjustments)
The bottomless pit- the deeper you dig the deeper the hole
Buying into the belief that rock bottom is a necessary pre-requisite to enter recovery is not only dangerous but also a direct reflection of the high levels of self-rationalized thinking that you need to provide yourself with to continue gambling. Like in a video game, say, Super Mario Bros, where you are about to die, and you bank on that ‘extra life’. You allow your Super Mario to run wild and take crazy risks since you know there is a bonus life waiting to be activated. In real life, however, it is not just a case of ‘starting fresh’ each time you drive yourself to the bottom of the well. You will be reaping the negative consequences of your actions for months, years, and sometimes an eternity.
In some examples, I have seen the pursuit of rock bottom become compulsive in and by itself. The idea that the recovery can start ‘as soon as the bottom has been reached’ almost makes it seem a little attractive to get there sooner.
You need to accept responsibility immediately for what lies ahead and accept that you are not going to be well served by creating further pain. This notion is entirely illogical and simply fuelled by the part of your mind that is still feeling invested in gambling.
Instead, do accept that quitting starts NOW no matter how much more ‘give’ you feel the bottom of your condition has left in store. Once you quit, your mental state might actually start changing. This is something that people often overlook. They act as though they will feel the exact same way regardless of what their actions are. The trouble is that it is only your own action steps that can reveal how much better you will feel when you start changing.
Takeaway: When the ‘bottom of the barrel’ feels like it has appeal as a launching pad for future recovery- try instead to accept that the mind is currently ill from your addiction.
You, and people around you, should not have to suffer further in order for you to decide to help yourself!
all the skills required to start your recovery journey are already in place. the very thing that will activate them is the act of stopping the madness of gambling. even if you cannot commit to stop long-term you owe it to yourself to quit for a bit to see the difference.
Waiting for an arbitrary shift in motivation
My homeless groups were very dear to me. The women and men in those groups were incredible. I treated them for years. One of their skills, and perhaps a necessary survival mechanism that helped them face the daily pains, was their sense of humor and ability to laugh at the dark stuff in life. We would often laugh together at the cruel irony of their situation and how crazy it was to keep gambling more in order to get off the street when gambling for most of them is what got them there.
The man in the example above had a belief about needing to go further than rough sleeping and living hand to mouth before he would be able to quit. This belief was purely adding further permission for him to keep going with gambling. He was keen to stop, yet thought he should wait for the day to come when his feelings about quitting would be different.
Just like people burn themselves out ‘that little extra’ just before a holiday in the anticipation of a break, he was gambling for every single penny that he begged for on the streets. In the hope that he would either win big or at least be so destroyed by the gambling that he would feel incentivized to take recovery seriously. I am sure you can all see the obvious dangers of this situation!
What is it about ‘rock bottom’ that many people believe would make for a useful catalyst to change?
For most problems that are left unresolved, there will be a tipping point where the pain of hanging on and doing the same thing as one always has done will outweigh the pain of attempting to change something. This is not to say that people will automatically, once enough pain has been experienced, combust into a spontaneous recovery from severe gambling addiction. Speculatively, I would however argue this felt tipping point could be one of the ingredients of the ‘rock bottom’ experience that lead people to connect it with a newfound motivation to change. With that being said, it does not mean that getting to your lowest point is the only way to achieve the motivation to get well. There are many other ways of getting in touch with the parts of you that are already aware that things are not going well with your addiction.
The tipping point mentioned above is a place we will encounter in numerous walks of life and is not really isolated to the field of addiction.
It is the crossroad where we recognize that holding on to something is bringing more pain than the prospect of letting go.
Think about what it is that actually happens at that point instead and let’s see if other factors can get us there.
you see clearly what you are doing and the pain it is causing yourself and other people
you FEEL the emotions relating to your behavior without any filters or shields. It hurts like hell.
you have wrecked your life. Your money, your job, your relationships…. it is all one almighty mess and you quite literally cannot dig your hole any deeper than it already is. In the midst of this horror show you realize something that actually provides you with a sense of power and control. It is YOU and only you who can help yourself.
You realise that nobody will come to the rescue. You are going to have to show up for your own recovery not once, not twice but every.single.day going forward. This feels like a lot to take on but there is a growing acceptance for the fact that you can no longer deny to yourself what you are doing.
You choose to accept that you cannot keep going. That you are making yourself unwell and that your life will end up with further damage if you don’t stop.
Things cannot get any worse anyway so for the first time you feel prepared to take the leap of faith and hope that maybe things would get better if you quit.
Getting there sooner….
So how can you get yourself to the point of awareness before you are at a complete loss? Although some of the insights from the paragraph above are more obvious when you are level with the ground and kicking yourself for what you’ve done - who is to say that you need to get that deep to become aware?
To start bringing your created reality in touch with your awareness it can help to take a very honest look at your TRAJECTORY. Even if you may not have experienced every negative consequence of gambling already, you want to take a look at the direction of your trajectory. Has it been a good one so far? If you are gradually, even if only slowly, getting more into depth, causing harm to your life, yourself, and your relationships then this is something to take seriously! If the trajectory is indicating ‘downhill’ you may also wish to start forecasting how things will become if you indeed were to continue with the current patterns of behaviour.
Increasing awareness and lessening denial
You will need to force yourself into a state of awareness. This requires you to look at the full picture of your gambling situation. The best way to transcend any denial and lies that you might be tempted to tell yourself - bring out a notebook and start recording the ACTUAL EVIDENCE of how gambling has affected your life. Take note of the financial consequences (sorry to be a nag but this does include the net loss - not a fantasy-filtered number where only ‘successful’ trials of betting are recorded). Also, note down how it is actually making you feel in the longer term about yourself and any other impact it has been having on your life. You might wish to look over some of my earlier posts relating to denial in case you find yourself struggling with this step.
Working on your willingness to delay gratification; if you do some heavy lifting now, life will start paying you dividends
Once you can accept that your long-term happiness is hinged upon your willingness to do some heavy lifting now- you might find that it provides slight motivation to get up and go. For a period of time, things might still feel excruciating. Even if some of it persists, rest assured it will get better. The pain will also be slightly different from the one felt when you are still hurting yourself with gambling. The pain you face in recovery is happening in service of feeling good long term. In contrast, the pain you face while still committing emotional self-harm via the process of gambling has no endpoint. Your well-being, worth, relationships, and your self-control are dependent on your decision making and deep inside of you, you know already what has to be done. At this point, you may recognise that it would be more tolerable to just have the feelings once and for all and get them done with, rather than having to feel haunted by them for a lifetime.
FACT: The very behavior of gambling is ruining your motivation to want to stop
‘But I must wait until I can get behind recovery myself ‘ are the words I hear from addicted gamblers, alcoholics and drug users alike. Whilst I agree that it is imporant to be personally motivated to stop (as opposed to being coerced by others) I do not buy into the idea that ‘waiting around’ is somehow going to result in a drive to improve one’s condition. Taking steps to disrupt gambling is sometimes the only thing that will. If you are still struggling with intermittent denial and find comfort in telling yourself that you don’t need to stop ‘just yet’, please take this even more seriously. The very fact that you are needing to delay the start of your recovery is extremely symptomatic of a problem. If you think about it…why else would you not be prepared to just stop gambling for a bit?
If we use the context of alcohol/drugs it is often easier to understand why the motivation to stop using, would be impaired, and sometimes non-existent, as a result of continued use. The drug is helping to create cravings to continue to use. Much like you feel like eating more sweets after a few days of eating plenty. We crave what’s in our blood as I heard someone say once. The same goes for gambling!
Here is a little secret - you will be able to fast-forward to a state where you are able to get in touch with the parts of you that know you would be better off quitting. The trouble is, that your continued gambling is the shield that masks that connection. Gambling provides instant escape, and at times even dissociation, from having to feel much of anything negative. It is however not very long-lived. If you can recognise that your continued gambling is going to act like a can of gas fuelling the fire of gambling, then you can see clearly that you need to just find a way to call it quits. Of course, this does not mean that quitting is easy or that staying in recovery is a breeze. The reality is; it never will be at whatever point you choose to stop! Even for those of you who have hit rock bottom, you will know that recovery is not made any better because you went to ‘zero’ emotionally and financially before deciding you’d had enough. It is difficult at any point but has to be done regardless.
Do not wait for rock bottom. Instead, use the following objective criteria to assess whether you need to stop…
your gambling is causing harm to you or the people in your life
regardless of whether you win or lose, you keep gambling more. This is a very big reason to stop! Let’s be realistic - if you cannot hold on to winnings even when and if they happen- you will definitely lose!!
you are losing more than you can afford. don’t apply this formula to money only; make sure to incorporate emotion, relationships, jobs and time.
you feel guilty about your gambling yet you go back for more
you flip-flap in your motivation to stop. One day you are certain your must quit, but the next you see no real reason to stop at all. In fact, you have some pretty decent arguments (you think) to continue with the activity.
You are using gambling as a mood-enhancer, mood-number, escapism, dissociation from difficult feelings or problems, or a much-needed relief from boredom. As you are doing so you realise that your natural coping mechanisms are gradually becoming underused or even non-exisitent.
you are taking bigger risks and is gradually increasing the stakes.
YOU HAVE LOST CONTROL
you feel like gambling has become a compulsive behaviour, almost as though you are ‘carrying out a job’.
you are obsessively thinking of how, when and where to get your next bet underway. The activity has become preoccupying and all-consuming.
If you are ready to stop and feel like you have no clue where to start, I recommend that you look at some of my earlier posts on the blog that goes into detail about how to get started in recovery.
All the best for your recovery
Love, Annika X