gamblers’ archive: 62 year old female gambler shares the story about her personal battle with gambling addiction

GAMBLING ADDICTIONLONG TERM GAMBLING RECOVERYsuicide
Written By annika lindberg

Since starting my blog a few years back, I have been sharing a lot of my experience and clinical knowledge that I have gained through nearly two decades as a Psychologist treating gambling addiction.

At this point, the blog features a lot of posts covering various aspects of recovery and details about how to conquer certain obstacles along the way. One of the things I have not done before is share peoples’ stories. Needless to say, nobody will know the suffering of being an addicted gambler more than the addicted person themselves. For this reason, I have chosen to give way to a few accounts of gambling addiction. My aim is to include stories that represent the diversity of presentations we see in this field. Gambling addiction transcends ethnicity, gender, age, social class, and place of residence. Still, those who suffer will be aware of the stigma that their addiction carries and usually do their utmost to hide it from those around them. In service of these two goals, I will therefore give way to some of my readers’ perspectives and stories.

One of my loyal readers - and someone who has been an invaluable source of help with my blog in the last year- has bravely decided to share her own story with my readers. She wants other people to hear firsthand what gambling addiction has felt like for her and she is hoping that some people out there will identify and feel less alone.

To maintain anonymity we will call her ‘Beth’. Beth lives in the US and has struggled for decades to overcome her addiction.

The many faces of gambling addiction

In the mainstream media, gambling addiction is referred to as ONE and the same disorder. In reality, the presentations are very diverse. Many of such diversities are already highlighted in the clinical literature. We have those gamblers that seek out gambling to try and soothe, or even dissociate, from difficult traumas and complex negative emotions. We have others who sought out gambling to try and stimulate themselves, avoid boredom, and get a buzz. There are those who ended up resorting to gambling due to early exposure. For whom it became a sentimental and pleasurable part of their existence. Like a grandma’s cookie jar that one could reach into whenever life felt rough.

The pathways to gambling are many. Sadly, for all the sub-groups, the outcome of prolonged and problematic ‘use’ the outcomes ends up being devastation. Gambling in its most severe cases will result in the most extreme and negative impact on mental and physical health, relationships, a variety of general life factors, and not least finances. Suicide attempts are far too common and sadly there are many lives lost to gambling addiction every year. Coming out one’s isolation is one of the most powerful antidotes to the feelings of loneliness that most addicted gamblers battle with. To find a community and to be able to understand that whilst your mind might be ‘ill’- you are not your addiction. There is help and support out there. You are never alone!

I will share some resources for help at the end of this blog post.

Take it away Beth….


Beth’s story:

I’ve been addicted to gambling my entire adult life - I’m now 62.

 For us gamblers, it’s not about winning. You know that right? It’s all about playing longer and longer. We want to win just so we can play longer. The “reward” is to keep gambling. This is so hard for the non-gambling addict to comprehend. For them, going to the casino is like going to the movies. It’s a night of entertainment. When it’s over, it’s over. They come with a certain amount of money, and when they’ve spent it, that’s it.

My sister once told me that when I’m gambling, I’m like a different person. “You should see yourself,” she would say. “Even when you hit something big, you don’t even flinch. You keep playing as fast as you can.” It’s true.

 When I was younger, much younger, I hated gambling. Yes, I actually hated gambling! I couldn’t understand what the attraction was. I would go to casinos with my mom, watch people, and think, what is it that they like about this? 

 At the time, I was very depressed and wished that there was something I liked. I actually wished that I liked gambling as much as these people! But I couldn’t fathom why they liked it!  I used to go to Biloxi with my mom and walk up and down the docks while she played. I just had no interest in it. Oh, to be young again! I remember, once, I played a little and cashed out $5. FIVE DOLLARS! I took my ticket, got my $5, left, and continued to walk up and down the docks.

I’m sure you can remember exactly when you went from disliking gambling to liking it to loving it, to becoming obsessed with it. I can. I was living in Chicago, Illinois. My boyfriend was visiting me from California, and we got into some kind of argument. I can’t even remember what the argument was about. What I do remember, though, is leaving the house and driving to the casino. I remember sitting there playing. I remember not hating it as much as I used to. I’ll never forget some lady behind me playing, and she said: “This is better than sex!”

 So, I took one step, and went from hating it to not hating it. After I didn’t hate it, I started going to the casinos more frequently. I can still feel the feeling of initially walking into a casino – the rush, the thrill, the possibilities. Walking over to my favorite (and deadly) machine. Being immersed in the total escape. Being “one” with the machine. Having a (depraved) connection to the machine, as if it knew I was there and that it was waiting for me. How sick right?

After the first few hundreds, we were just getting started. Sometimes it hit, and most times it didn’t. I didn’t care. I just wanted to play. That was it. I never wanted to leave. I would look at my watch from time to time, hoping I had lots of time left. I could sit there and play forever. I didn’t want it to end. When it was time to leave, I was taken back to reality and always felt sad. Not because I had just lost two or three thousand dollars, but because I needed to leave. Until next time…which I always hoped would be very soon.

Here’s something very ironic: I used to work at a casino! I wasn’t allowed to play there, and guess what – I wasn’t even tempted. The thought of gambling there never entered my mind because I knew I was allowed. It was that simple. More about that later.

 I would always have conversations with myself. Sometimes I would berate myself. Other times I would convince myself that it was OK – it was something I enjoyed, and I should enjoy my life, right?

 Other times I would walk outside and cry because I lost so much. Has that ever happened to you? Have you ever been gripped with such powerful remorse about gambling? But then what? I’ve never had children, but I’ve been told that after you go through the agony of childbirth, you forget about the pain. I guess the same thing applies to the pain of everything that gambling addiction causes.


In the grips of addiciton


I’m so scared. It feels like I have no control. I’m fine for a while. A week. Two weeks. Sometimes even a couple of months. Then it hits me. Out of nowhere. Why?? What happens?? What changes in my brain? First a hundred. Then two. Then a thousand. Then two. Then….. Then I feel spent (no pun intended). And the cycle begins…and ends…and begins again. It never ends. I often tell myself that it’s ok. That I’m ok. I try so hard not to hate myself. It’s only money I say to myself. I’m entitled to enjoy my life in whatever way I choose. As long as I can pay my bills, right? I attempt to deny how much I lose. Tens of thousands. More. I probably could have retired with all the money I’ve lost. But then, what would I do? The only thing I like to do is gamble. Sometimes I say to myself; How sickeningly ironic. Sometimes I say to myself: “Ok, I’m going to focus on other things. I’m going to clean the house. Or the junk drawers. Or organize my papers. Or something. Something productive.” I’ll clean the house from time to time, but that’s about it. I can totally understand why suicide is so prevalent among gambling addicts. It really and truly is an addiction. It’s more powerful than I am. I don’t know what to do. Where to turn. I’m so scared. I’m so powerless in its grip. God, please help me.



Just like a serial-killer, I go back to do more harm….but I do it to myself



I’ve always been a fan of true crime stories - Forensic Files, ID, Dateline, etc. What I’ve been especially drawn to are serial killers. They’ve always fascinated and intrigued me. I’ve wondered what went wrong in their brains to compel them to murder. One time is bad enough, but they are driven to kill over and over. And they seemed powerless to stop. They were addicted to killing right? I would always think - if they want to inflict so much harm on others, for whatever reason - why don’t they just kill themselves and be done with it? Though the thought of comparing myself to a serial killer is sickening, am I really that different? Even though the thought of physically harming another human being is completely disgusting to me, aren’t I harming myself? In a twisted but similar sort of way, aren’t I killing myself - over and over? I’m destroying my life each time I spiral out of control. I’m hurting my relationships. I’m lying - to myself and to others. I am a serial gambler. I do it over and over, and I can’t stop. The only way that serial killers stop is when they get caught. They get thrown in jail and guess what? They stop killing. Because they can’t kill anyone anymore. They can’t so they don’t. Period. Why did it take getting caught for them to stop? Maybe deep down they wanted to get caught? I don’t know. All I know for sure is that I’m on the road to self-destruction. Do I have to be on the streets, completely penniless, before I stop? Is that what it’s going to take? Is that what I want it to take?

I’ve read so many books about self-esteem, self-sabotage, etc. Have you ever watched a shark during a feeding frenzy? Sometimes it feels that way to me - a gambling frenzy. Not eve. Coming up for air. I’m the one feeding the machine, hundred after hundred after hundred. But the frenzy is inside of me. I have zero control.

 Definition of “Serial”:

repeatedly committing the same offense and typically following a characteristic, predictable behavior pattern.

 Merriam Webster:

 performing a series of similar acts over a period of time a serial killer

Also - episodic 

made up of separate especially loosely connected episodes


 Addiction….

 The word “addiction”, when it comes to my behavior, is just not enough of a description for the way in which I become during one of my gambling episodes.

It also seems that the word “addiction” can apply to so many things, like being addicted to a T.V. show, such as a certain series that you watch religiously.

People can be addicted to good things – like exercise (I wish I could understand that).

In some ways, when you fall in love, you are “addicted” to the romance and being in la la land (fortunately or unfortunately, that addiction hardly ever lasts.)

To me, the word “addiction” is almost cliché right?

I more equate this type of “addiction” to episodes or binges, when you are not able to stop when you’re in the middle of one.

I’ve always admitted that I had a gambling problem. And even when I voiced that I am a gambling addict, it didn’t stop me. But when I had to tell myself that I am a Serial Gambler, that’s when the pieces started coming together for me. I was able to understand the patterns of behavior because I experienced them most of my adult life. I behave like a shark during a feeding frenzy. I behave, yes, it’s true, like a serial killer, almost in a rage, a need, to keep playing and playing at all costs. And after the binge, the kill, I always regretted it, felt spent, and promised myself I would never do it again. But I always did, just like a serial killer who cannot stop.

I’m not, by any means, equating myself to be in the same category as a killer, someone who takes the lives of others. But I am saying that the serial tendencies to inflict destruction, albeit on oneself, to me, is the same.

That’s what I had to face. That’s what I had to look at, straight in the eye.



Withdrawal 

 To say that withdrawal from gambling addiction is unpleasant, is putting it mildly. Going to the doctor is unpleasant. Going to the dentist is extremely unpleasant. Not gambling, is, well, torturous. You just want to gamble for that horrible feeling to just go away. You’re irritable, edgy, annoyed, impatient, and aggravated. It’s actually physical.

 Then, when you give in and gamble, you feel “aaaaaaahhhhhhhh”.  It’s almost like a release, am I right?  I know. Trust me, I know all too well. It’s easy to give in.

 No one said that this was going to be easy. But it is worth it.

 Ride it.

Ride the wave.

Ride the pain.  

 Ride the unpleasantness. 

 It doesn’t last forever, and the outcome is more than worth it. 

 Yes, withdrawal from gambling is just like withdrawing from drugs or withdrawing from alcohol. There is suffering. Jesus suffered. Suffering is real. Suffering is suffering. It’s literally, actually, truly- painful. 

 But, if you ride it, and don’t give in, the result is nothing short of freedom. And isn’t that what you really want? Freedom from the control that gambling has over you? Because it does have control over you. You know it does. You are out of control because gambling controls you. You may try to convince yourself that you are in control; but when you’re in the clutches of a gambling addiction, you are not in control. 

 But gambling doesn’t have to control you; you CAN regain control. 

 Many times, you will feel like you are winning the game. You will be so resolute. Other times, seemingly out of nowhere, I can only say, you will feel like you are literally hanging on by a thread. Sometimes, the pull is so damn strong, that you may say to yourself: ok, I can stay in control, I will only play with $100, and that’s it. Seems logical, right? WRONG! Once you play the $100, you will be sucked in, and down the rabbit hole you will go.

 

I am embarrassed to share this, but if it helps you, it’s worth it. I used to buy chips on a free slot site. Mind you, a free slot site. There wasn’t any money you could win; it was all free. If I told you that I spent tens of thousands of dollars buying chips, would you believe me? I did. I was so sucked in. As we all know, it’s not about the money – so why would it matter if it was a casino where you could win actual money or a gambling site where you couldn’t?  It didn’t. So I did. Especially during the height of the pandemic, it was so much easier to stay home and play and buy and play and buy and buy and buy.



Quitting…

 It wasn’t easy to give it up. I just wanted to keep playing. And when I was out of coins, which I always was, no matter how much I had – like over $800 billion coins – I would buy more. And when I didn’t, even sometimes when I said “no,” it was so hard. I was irritable, grouchy, and miserable. Think about how you feel when you want to gamble – and don’t. It’s a bitch, right? It’s so hard. I know. Trust me, I know all too well. Most people really don’t understand that withdrawal from gambling addiction does to the brain what drug and alcohol addiction withdrawal does. It’s real. It’s hard. And it sucks.

 All I can say, is, well, ride it. Right the feeling. It’s so unpleasant I know. You just want to give in – one more time. But don’t. Don’t give in. Just don’t. That’s all I can tell you – just don’t. It’s the only way to break free.

The next time you feel that pull – and you will – it won’t be quite as strong as the one before. You went through it before, and you can come out of it again. I still feel the pull sometimes. I guess I always will. It sometimes creeps in, and I allow my mind to let it. Sometimes, when I’m upset or worried about something, I think – I wish I could escape and play for a few hours to escape. Then I start fantasizing about it, and, well, you know the rest. But I’m more aware now. I’m aware of what happens to my thoughts and, thankfully, I am able to stop the thoughts before they start controlling me again.

Thank you ‘Beth’ for sharing your raw, courageous, and powerful story. I am sure that many readers will find that your story resonates!

help resources

Below you will find some helpful resources. Gamblers Anonymous offers in-person meetings in plenty of international locations. They also operate in part online nowadays and can therefore be of help to people in remote locations where no other forms of support are accessible.

Gamblers Anonymous can offer a strong sense of community, help, and guidance for addicted gamblers

https://www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk/

HELP IN UNITED KINGDOM

If you have read this and you still feel terrible – please call one of the numbers below or get immediate help from the nearest hospital

Too many people lose their lives to gambling every year- make sure you stick around to tell your story and inspire those that will feel this way after you!! 

EMERGENCY HELP VIA 112 FOR AN AMBULANCE OR GO TO THE NEAREST A&E/EMERGENCY ROOM. DURING A VISIT YOU WILL LIKELY BE SEEN BY A LIAISON PSYCHIATRIST WHO MAY BE ABLE TO PRESCRIBE SOME MEDICATION TO HELP YOU COPE WITH THE INTENSE FEELINGS YOU ARE EXPERIENCING. THEY CAN ALSO PUT YOU IN CONTACT WITH LONGER-TERM HELP AND SUPPORT AS WELL AS A CRISIS TEAM.

IF YOU ARE NOT AT IMMEDIATE RISK OF HARMING YOURSELF YOU CAN CALL 111 TO ACCESS A FREE 24-HOUR NHS HELPLINE THAT CAN HELP YOU ACCESS LOCAL SERVICES INCLUDING GPS..

OTHER RESOURCES (FOR NON EMERGENCY)

Behavioural addiction treatment l- this site has useful links and articles on different treatment types (also useful for US based readers.

MIND Charity has published an extremely comprehensive guide for managing suicidality. You can find it here: 

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/helplines-listening-services/






 

annika lindberg
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