Last week in my group for homeless problem gamblers we had a session on self-love, and the questions that was being asked was; How to start loving oneself after all the damage inflicted by their addiction?  Several group members frowned upon hearing the word self-love and one said ‘but seriously – how can I love this (pointing at self) – look at what has become of me’.      What followed was a really good discussion about this ultra-important feeling for ourselves, that in its absence underlies pretty much all things bad in this world.    Without loving ourselves we end up with a perforated filter for negative influences in our life, poor boundaries, and as if that was not enough we can use our lack of self-love to justify more disgraceful behaviours towards ourselves and others with the justification of ‘not being worthy anyway’.  We can become habituated to situations and behaviours from others that are less than ideal; since we don’t value ourselves enough to see that we need to have better boundaries and say no. Last but not least, it also paves the way for feelings of fear, threat, and negative self-comparisons that trigger envy and in certain cases even hatred of self and others.    This is a vicious cycle, and one that can end us up in a really bad place where we don’t have even a shred of respect left for our self.   Needless to say, the ideal solution is just to start loving yourself; but what if all you have genuinely done a lot of damage?  And if the things we have done have actually been so bad that we find it hard to even accept that it happened? How then is it possible to take such a step and start seeing oneself as an individual worthy of those things that are seemingly there for others to have.  How can we allow ourselves to go against our own intuition and treat us well when everything and everyone suggests we should engage in self-punishment and deprivation?

Here are some of the great ideas we came up with in the group this week:

# self excluding and taking other proactive steps to limit the gambling from causing further damage in ones life. Depending on the country you live and what sort of gambling you have been known to engage in, the steps you take here might vary greatly. If you live in the UK there are a few good apps that will make it impossible for you to gamble online. You can also ensure that you take proactive steps and visit the bookmakers that you have been frequenting requesting to complete the paperwork for self-exclusion. Yes, this is not airtight, and I know there are millions of shops around but this step can actually feel empowering even if there are always going to be ways to gamble if you really set your mind to do it.  Buy time, empower yourself by acting with assertiveness and take this step anyway. Blocking your access to gambling is the most fundamental and important step any gambler can take and a huge display of recognising that you deserve better than being able to continue to sabotage your life by further betting.

# Start to Treat yourself well in small ways daily  Ok agreed-  this one sounds so cliché and obvious. But simultaneously please recognise how difficult it actually is to follow this seemingly simple formula.  Of course it sounds great to start treating yourself to a decent lunch, going to bed at a time that allows adequate sleep, allowing yourself a new hair cut or whatever it is.  Most people I speak to would be able to easily generate a nice long list of things that they would think constitute self-caring behaviours but so few in comparison will actually do any of them for themselves. It is not uncommon for people in general to have a bit of disconnect between what people know they should do and and what they actually do – but there should not be an entire canyon between the two. Start bridging that gap by highlighting just one or two small things that you can insert into your life starting today: do those until they become natural and habitual and then add another one. Building up slowly will always make it more likely for the behaviours to stick longer term since you repeat those small changes until they are no longer requiring of the same level conscious processing. Try and renovate yourself in a day and you will tire out and end up feeling like it is ‘hard work’ to treat yourself well.

# Stop tormenting yourself with what has already happened and focus on future action instead

This step is a lot harder than it sounds. We all know behaviours can end up becoming ingrained, repetitive habits – most people have some habit they have tried to get rid of either successfully or unsuccessfully – think nail biting, thumb sucking, spot-picking or whatever you have have been ‘stuck on’ yourself. It takes effort to stop doing something. It is going to take effort in giving up the gambling. But when you begin to break free it gets easier. You feel freer. On many levels it can feel like being ‘unshackled’ from routines and rituals you knew were just damaging for you. And you can use that energy to continue breaking free and living a fuller life.  What many people don’t seem to realise is that our thinking get into the same rigid patterns. The brain starts sounding like a broken record quite easily when we feed it the same experience again and again. Remember ; our emotional mind does not understand any better as it is busy looking out for our survival hence absorbs only the short-term aftermaths. Any constructed scenario that is followed out again and again and generates nice feelings, even if ever so temporary, will be memorised. The thoughts will take on whichever flavour we feed it – meaning if you teach it that going gambling makes you feel high and excited (short term) we need to recall that this is all that part of our brain cares about. Before we know it our brain will have picked up that the it will get to experience a nice ‘lift’ in mood ( or a reduction in a low) – simply by giving incessant prompts to the person to be engaging in the gambling. It basically becomes a mental habit. The mind starts thinking in particular ways more and more often, maybe even obsessively.  On the flipside it can also get hooked on extensive rumination about past negative experience, failures and wrong doings. Or rehash obsessively over a past or future agony in a failed attempt to gain closure and aqcuire learning. The reason I explain it in this slightly childish and basic way is so that you can start treating that part of your mind with some detachment yet some understanding and compassion. Yes it will keep firing away with the same broken-record-spiel any chance it gets. But do you need to listen in so hard?  Keep moving to better tunes and learn to feed the brain with new fresh info from which it can create new thinking habits.  Your mind should be focused on the present moment for you to experience the greatest relief and enjoyment. That does not mean there are no problems to sort; but it means that you keep your mind clear enough to actually be able to sort them while enjoying life a little.

Doomed if you have …doomed if you don’t have…. The impossible role of Money for addicted gamblers and how to think about it

One of the topics that often preoccupies early day interventions for problem gamblers is that of Money. Each month of the year presents its own challenges relating to money and I thought it would be worth taking a look at the very complex role of money in the life of a problem gambler; and how having better awareness of your relationship with money can help you remain abstinent in the longer term. It can be tempting to think that paying attention to money is counterproductive to abstinence as it could ‘feed an obsession’ at a time when you are busy trying to cut your losses and move on. Not addressing your attachment to money can however have the reverse effect that you are looking for and hence I have put together a small list of points to  consider as you are now entering your recovery.

Some of the complicated contradictions with money in problem gambling….

# Having money can often lead to an urge to want to gamble

# Having NO money can often lead to an urge to go gambling (you quickly want to make some more)

# Being in debt can be depressing; and the prospect of long-term repayment plans can make a gambler feel tempted to have ‘a quick win’ instead

# Living ‘hand-to-mouth’ often leads to a very short-term focus (and those living hand to mouth will usually adapt a short term focus depending on what caused what) – one where no long term plan for money exist. This state often makes people more likely to justify a little bet; in the end of the day it does not feel like there is that much to loose ..   (but of course it makes it impossible to get out of the hole that gambling has created).

# Having no access to money over long periods of time often makes people feel infantilised, less achieved and sometimes a bit bored; all of which can lead to urges to want to gamble

# having outgoings monitored by a loved one often feels intrusive and difficult; and can sometimes add further strain to already strained relationships

#having nobody monitoring accounts and outgoings represents a huge risk for the gambler as they can then convince themselves that they are just ‘using a bit’ to increase the money they have, something that will result in more chasing and more losses.

It would be fair to say that most people would like to have a bit more money. This is not isolated to gamblers at all – however unlike for people suffering with other addictions-  gamblers are the only ones who think (from time to time at least) that their addiction is going to make them rich and, if all goes to plan, also possibly help put the addiction to rest. This is of course far from the truth. But it does not take away from the fact that you still might want and need some more money in your life. 

 So how is one supposed to relate to money when it has become a curse both in its presence and in its absence? Money constitutes the absolute biggest trigger for any problem gambler! It is the very means required to fulfil your gambling addiction and as such can be equated to 'the bottle' for an alcoholic or direct drug access to a person addicted to drugs.  The difference is that we still need money to live hence why significant efforts need to go into blocking access to money, and ensuring that these restrictions are not suddenly taken out or reduced for reasons that tend to be driven by ego needs and strange justifications for why life will never be the same with these restrictions in place.

 The role of money is highly complicated and it will be worth it for you to spend some time reflecting over the following points. I have written them in ‘I’ format so that you can really pretend like you are thinking it to aid you in reality checking some of the distortions that can easily occur.. .

Rules of thumb for money relating & 3 things I can do right now...

# Although I keep thinking I need money – the fact is I don’t have any due to gambling anyway  (and I have gambled a long time) – so is it possible that I actually need money less than I realise?

# 2. "Jag ska sluta, jag ska bara fortsätta tills jag ”vunnit tillbaka” allt jag förlorat

Dessa orden har jag hört av fler spelberoende än jag ens kan räkna. Många av dem med avservärda skulder och förödelse på flera fronter i livet pga långvarigt spelberoende. Visserligen kan detta "argument" eller rationalisering i sig vara mycket övertygande. Det är ett åtminstonne delvis ett erkännande att spelandet inte längre är en önskvärd aktivitet och att det behöver upphöra. Dessutom existerar nu en känsla av oro över skulder som har accumulerats under processen där förluster jagas. Detta är ju inte heller bra.  De flesta spelberoende kommer nu också att förstå att om spelandet var ansvarigt för att skapa den här nivån av skuld till att börja med, finns det verkligen en överhängande risk att ytterligare spel, som ett sätt att återställa skulder, inte är en kanonlösning! Så även om det finns en uppriktig avsikt att sluta spela, handlar upphängningen ​​här om att ha "bara den där sista insatsen" som gör att du kan sluta spela, och samtidigt sopa igen de finansiella spår som producerats under åren.  Alla kommer vara glada igen.    

Det här är naturligtvis en stor risk att ta och ett av problemen är att många spelare inte har något emot att ta den risken. Speciellt inte eftersom många bedövats i sina känslor både vad gäller värdet av pengar och i relation till att existera under högriskförhållanden.  Om du är en spelare som läser detta – kan det vara viktigt att identifiera de karaktärsdrag som eventuellt bidragit till ett starkt intresse för spel. Därmed är det inte sagt att spelberoende alltid är knutet till din personlighet - eller att varje spelare är en risktagande och impulsiv, men det finns ingen tvekan om att risktagare och högre impulsivitetsnivåer är överrepresenterade bland spelberoende personer.  Något som har backats upp av mycket forskning.

Även om du inte är impulsiv eller benägen att ta höga risker chansen är det troligt att du trubbats av nämnvärt emotionellt både till den positiva ”buzzen” och även risken som tidigare nämnt och därmed känner att det känns helt rimiligt att öka insatsen i jakt på både pengar och den hypnotiserande känsla som bjuds under spelseansen. I drogmissbruk ökar den drogberoende personen dosen och frekvensen för intag för att kunna uppnå samma magiska känsla som infann sig vid de första brukarfillfällena. 

I spelberoende representeras tolerans av faktorer såsom ökad insats, mer frekvent och frantiskt spelande, och sist men inte minst en hög nivå av desperation som leder till att den spelande ej längre bryr sig om vad de egentligen spelar på bara det finns en liten chans till att vinna. 

STEPS TO TAKE TO BREAK YOUR BAD HABIT

 In the first post with this name we talked about bad habits. The type of ones that you go back to again and again even when you know they are not serving you well. And you want to quit them but just keep letting yourself down. Today’s post will outline some steps you can take to start breaking free…

A BLOG ARTICLE ABOUT BAD HABITS...

There you are suddenly realising something that has been your escapism, your fantasy resort, your avoidance from reality and all of its hardship is needing to be amputated from your life. Maybe you knew intellectually for months or even years that this habit was breaking you - but as we do when something feels so good, even if just for a moment, you choose to ignore your inner knowing and carry on.  Even when that means breaking every boundary you ever had to try and make it work for you. For some, the destructive nature of their habits has been glaring in the face for a while- for others it a sudden insight. Regardless of which group you fall into; changing is hard and requires considerable effort. And we are not talking one quick push here, we are talking sustained and stable efforts towards something that you may not be able to taste the fruit of yet even in your imagination. No matter how unhealthy our habits have become, they sure manage to plug a hole in our life. And act to fill us with brief -but temporary- numbness, relief -or even highs. Like an anaesthetic shot at the dentist; We get to feel temporarily free-ish of the pain – but we still feel a bit of the pain right!? Like a bad tingle that tells us that without that shot we would have been squirming in discomfort. But with it- it was tolerable.  Same with our bad habits. It is not as if we fool ourselves all that well… click on image to read more

#1. `Mina vänner kanske vill gå på casino, svensexa i Las Vegas eller till kapplöpningsbanan etc.. Jag måste kunna ju kunna leva ett normalt liv! ‘

De flesta spelberoende jag träffar i terapin har en sak gemensamt… De har insett att spelandet inte längre är till någon fördel för dem. De har även insett att spelandet påverkar deras liv och livskvalitet negativt. Man blir frestad av tanken på att dessa insikter skulle få dem att ändra på sitt beteende, och att vägen ur ett spelberoende därför skulle bli lätt... Detta stämmer dock inte! Det är alldeles för lätt för en spelberoende att förneka den skada spelandet orsakar dem- även om de på en grundläggande nivå insett att så är fallet och att det måste få ett slut!

Som en hjälp till dig, för att du skall förstå/inse ditt eget förnekande, kommer jag i denna blogpost presentera den första (utav 8) mest vanliga ursäkterna som jag serverats under alla år i terapi med spelberoende personer.  Ursäkten kommer från en spelberoende som själv insett, och även berättat för mig, att denne förmodligen borde sluta upp med spelandet... Jag kommer med detta att föreställa den `rätta´ rösten i ditt huvud, samt ge dig flera bra motargument du kan ta till då du själv märker att dina tankar låter som ett av nedanstående påståenden. Detta för att ge dig rätt verktyg för att jobba vidare med din utveckling.

Jag kommer att följa upp med fler lögner/påståenden inom kort, så håll dig uppdaterad!

#1. `Mina vänner kanske vill gå på casino, svensexa i Las Vegas eller till kapplöpningsbanan etc.. Jag måste kunna ju kunna leva ett normalt liv! ‘

Detta är förmodligen en av de vanligaste ursäkterna, och även en vanlig utlösare för återfall. Det är inte så att det inte stämmer för individen- för det gör det! Dina vänner kanske vill gå på svensexa i Las Vegas, eller gå på casino, och även roa sig på kapplöpningsbanan, med all rätt. Det viktiga är dock vad du själv bör göra, och hur du hanterar de situationer som uppkommer i samband med att besöka `hög-risk´ (för dig) platser!

Om du har planer på att utsätta dig själv för fara genom att besöka platser som man vet är i katergorin högrisk, är det lönt att kolla av din personaliga track-record och tänka över hur det har slutat vid tidigare tillfällen- i liknande situationer.

Hur har det gått de gångerna?

Din personliga historik av liknande utmaningar kommer ge dig svaret på hur du bör agera vid dessa tillfällen både nu och i framtiden. Här gäller det att du är sanningsenlig och fri från förnekelse gentemot dig själv för att kunna fatta de kloka beslut som krävs för att göra de framsteg du behöver göra, och med hjälp av dessa (kloka) beslut bli kvitt ett liv av spelberoende.

Tänk över nedanstående:

1. De gånger det slutade med att du spelade mer än vad du tänkt från början- förutsatt att du innan hade satt en tydlig gräns för det.

2. Nivån på den förlorade självbehärskningen då du insåg att du EJ kunde sluta spela trots att du satt en gräns vid ett visst förlorat belopp.

3. Din oförmåga att sluta spela, och lösa ut vinsten, när du var på ett så kallat “winning streak”.

4. Konsekvenserna som uppstått efter en spelsession, och hur de påverkat dig själv och andra i din närhet.